clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL MUST BREAK YOU

New, 1045 comments

WAR DAMN RUSSIAN TECHNOLOGY

Mike Ehrmann

The SEC has a three-way problem.

(ha you thought it was gonna be about sex but it wasn't classic internet)

And the tricky part about breaking a three-way tie is that you can't automatically rely on any of the easier approaches for a two-way split, like head to head records or tug of war or Thunderdome. You need something a little more thought out and robust, something that provides both fairness and finality. We have some ideas:

- BIDDING WAR: The three teams tied for the top of a division submit one cashier's check in the amount of their choosing within a sealed envelope. The highest bidder wins the division and the funds are returned to the other two teams.

- KRYSTAL EATING CONTEST: Each team gets to select one representative. Each representative gets five minutes to eat as many tiny burgers as possible. This is already more entertaining than the average Independence Bowl.

- LADDER MATCH: Sponsored by The Home Depot, naturally.

- BREAK WAKE: Order is randomly selected, but each of the three teams gets one quarter to put up as many points on Wake Forest as they can. The fourth quarter is reserved for Wake Forest to sit quietly in a safe place and know that it's all over and it's not their fault.

- SUPERMARKET SWEEP: Our country's oldest and most cherished method of deciding who amongst three teams is truly the greatest. RUN FOR THE DANG HAM, BOBO.

(Please note: you may hate all of these ideas, but there's a good chance the SEC will go with something you hate even more, like "whichever team Gary Danielson thinks is neatest.")