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THE ALTERNATE UNIVERSES OF WILL MUSCHAMP

TERRIBLE, ALL OF THEM

By Ryan Nanni
Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

"Fire Chief Muschamp, what can you tell us about your plans to make the City safer after last year's rash of arsons?"
"We're gonna move forward with a plan to demolish every structure within city limits. Can't have arson if y'ain't got buildings."

"Doctor Muschamp, why did you cut off the wrong foot?"
"Feet are gross. Nobody wants to see that. This is about making the beach a more pleasant experience."

"Chef Muschamp, can you talk us through your decision to replace all your menu items with rusty screws and washers?"
"Anybody can cook food. That food might kill you, and some of mine did. We're trying to give the human body a challenge it can get excited about."

"Dog Groomer Muschamp, you've ruined my pet's natural coat! What do you intend to do to make it up to me?"
"We also offer boarding services."

"Teacher Muschamp, is it true you're refusing to cover geometry?"
"Yet to see a rhombus you couldn't turn into a rectangle with some elbow grease and a pry bar. Nobody cares about soft math."

"Pope Muschamp, many people are wondering how your approach to marriage and the clergy fits with traditional dogma."
"If nobody's allowed to get married, then it ain't like priests lost nothin' when they signed up. Now we got a bunch more priests. Priest depth is gonna be key this year."

"Time Warner Cable customer service representative Muschamp, I'd like to schedule an appointment."
"Nope."

"Minister for Weights and Measures Muschamp, why did you order all government calendars to begin in April."
"Those first three months are cold, and I hate the cold. Problem solved."

"1920s Film Executive Muschamp, are you considering adding synchronized sound to your features?"
"No. And we're taking out the projectors, too. People wanna just see a blank screen in the dark. That's simple, and simple is best."

"Omnipotent and omnipresent God Muschamp, why did you destroy the Sun?"
"Read somewhere that the Sun will eventually burn out and end life on Earth. Don't want that."

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