WE LOVE IT IN THE CITY OF AMES

There is the fine line between mockery and love. The home of the Iowa State Cyclones. Ames, Iowa just fell clear across it stumbling and uttering a polite "excuse us" while tripping facefirst into the A/V room.

Dammit, Ames. Ruin our belief that you're a savage outpost of rioting, bloodthirsty corn-liquor merchants perched on the edge of America's vast internal desert, and instead substitute a long and endearing series of probably true facts about Ames. Worse still, do it with normal-looking people who are comfortable on camera, and then have them be proud of things like water and short commutes. GRRRRR HATE YOU SO MUCH, NORMAL, FUNCTIONAL AMERICA. WHY AREN'T YOU ASHAMED OF HAVING DECENT THINGS LIKE THE REST OF US?

OH SURE YEAH BRAG ABOUT NOT REPLACING A WINDOW IN YOUR CAR EVERY MONTH, YOU GOATEED CLEAN POLITE DIPSHIT WHO'S PROBABLY ACTUALLY A REALLY NICE PERSON.

NICE. YOU'VE GOT NUMBERS. LIKE OTHER CITIES HAVEN'T GOT THOSE. OUR AREA CODE IS 404 AND THAT MEANS ERROR MESSAGE AND THAT'S NOT A COINCIDENCE. OH BUT WE'RE GENEROUS LIKE YOU SMUG PRAIRIE BASTARDS LOOK WE'VE GOT TWO NUMBER ONES FOR YOU FOR FREE, LADY. [SHOOTS MIDDLE FINGERS AS HARD AS WE CAN.]

FUCK YOU AMES WATER IT PROBABLY TASTES GREAT UNTIL IT GETS RANKED IN THE TOP TEN AND THEN IT LOSES BY 46 POINTS TO OKLAHOMA. THAT MAY HAVE BEEN JASON WHITLOCK'S FAULT SO IF HE STARTS TALKING ABOUT HOW GOOD YOUR WATER IS THEN RUN LIKE HELL. AT LEAST KENTUCKY IS PROUD OF BOURBON AND THIS MAY BE THE ONLY TIME KENTUCKY HAS EVER WON ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF BASKETBALL AND PILLS AND HEAVY METAL POISONING.

CONGRATULATIONS YOU'RE ON A MOUNTAINTOP WITH INDIANA AND NORTHERN ILLINOIS Y'ALL

THAT'S NOT OUR FAULT

OH SURE YOU HAVE ALL KINDS OF GREAT THINGS BUT CAN'T AFFORD TRAFFIC COPS THIS ISN'T EVEN CLOSE TO SAFE IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING AMES

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHH I WANT TO HATE YOU CHIPPER AND AVERAGE-LOOKING CITIZENS OF AMES BUT I CANNOT BECAUSE YOU ARE EXCITED ABOUT CLEAN WATER AND GOOD SCHOOLS AND THAT IS ADORABLE AND NOT EVEN MY BLACK FILTHY HEART FULL OF HATRED BECAUSE WILL MUSCHAMP IS MY FOOTBALL COACH CAN DENY YOUR CHARMS.

IN CONCLUSION:

(HT: UIowa1984)