TURN THE DIFFICULTY SETTINGS TO ROOKIE, PLEASE

"Head College Football Coach" is not a job we would ever want, because we value sleep too much and would inevitably get caught scratching ourselves in an awkward way on the sideline and oh the frustration when we find out we can't just pick our recruiting targets and then let the computer simulate the rest. But, were we to be offered a job leading a college program, we would definitely not pick one of the service academies, because DAMN THAT SOUNDS HARD.

No, we'd pick one of the easiest jobs:

• Eastern Michigan: In 40 years, the Eagles have amassed a winning percentage just barely over .300, have been to one bowl (though, hey, they won it, perfect record suckers!), and given every terrible coach at least four years to fail and fail and fail some more. The only requirement to keeping the job is beating Western Michigan.

• UAB: One winning season in the last decade. Most successful coach in program history is also the all-time leader in career coaching losses. State law requires you to be a terrible program that will never threaten the existing hegemony, and losses can be easily blamed on "our stadium gave the team tetanus."

• Wake Forest: The Deacons have an all-time winning percentage of .406, the worst of any program in the Big 5. Al Groh coached at Wake for six years. Jim Caldwell hung around for EIGHT. Wake Forest is the kind of school where you won't get fired because that involves a lot of paperwork and the printer's broken.

• Nebraska: Yup.