A MESSAGE TO THE CLASS OF 2014 FROM COACH O

It's Graduation Morning at Austin Peay State University in Clarksville Tennessee. Families are gathering in the stands at the football stadium while their cap-and-gown'd young adults file into rows on the field. Just as the crowd begins to settle down, a terrible rumbling erupts from the corner of the end zone immediately behind the stage...

HOOBOY DAT WAS ONE HELLUVA NAP. HELLO CHIRREN DACOACHO SHUH IS MIGHTEE GLAD TO BEASPEAKUN TO YA. LODDA MAH GERMERASHUN KEEP SAYUN DAT DA YUNFOLK OF DEES UNITER STAYS AINT WORF A CATFISH WHISKUH AT A BALD MAN'S FUNERUH. SAYUN YALL LAZYBONES DAT RELY ON DA TECHMOLOGY TOO MUCH, LIKKA DA HIFONE ANNA DA FACEBUCK ANNA DA ONLINE BANKIN.

BUH WENNADACOACHO LOOGADA YALL HE SEE SUMPIN DIFFRUH. COACHO SEEDA FOOCHA. A BRY AN SHYNUN FOOCHA WEREDA URFF ISSA FREE UHDA AYLEEN AHMYS CLUCHES. NO BUDDY NOWERE DA AYLEEN TRET GON COMFRUH, BUH YA BEDDA BE REDDY. CUH BEE DEY COMEFRUMMA MARS OR VEENUH OR LEMBO.

DASSARITE. PEE LEMBO AINT OF DIS WURL. IMMA PROOF DAT IFFA DA NCAA LEMME GIT SUMMA DAT LEMBO BLUH. ONLY NEE TEN SEESEES UH SO.

BUH DERES MO TA LIBBIN DEN SPEARGUNNIN AYLEENS AN BLUHTESTIN PEE LEMBO. NEEDA SPEN DIME WIFFA FAMLAY. DOSE ARE DA MOMUNS DAT STAY WIFFA MAN OBUHDUH YEARS. MOMUNS LIKE TEACHUN A DAUGHTA HOWTA DETOOF A GATUH, OR SHOWUN A SON HOW TO SING TO A GOFUH TOETUS SOS TA GET GOOD LUCK ALL YEAR.

BECUH IT AIN'T ALL ABOUT CALCABUS AND SHAPESPHERE AND ALL DEM THINGS FROM DA CLASSWOMB. DISSA UNUJUAL WHURL WE LIB IN, AND SOMEDIMES YOU BEDDA KNOW WHENDA JUS KEEP FLOADIN. WHEN YAGEDOWN TO IT, ONLY ONE LAW MADDUHS, AN S'NOT DA LAW OF MANFOLK. ISSA LAW UDDA RIBBUH.

LEMME RAPDISS UP. AFTUH DIS DAY, EACHAYEW BEGINNUN A LONG AN MEANDERUN JOURNAY. GON BE UBS, GON BE DOWNS. GON SECEDE, GON FAIL. GON FEEL JOY, GON FEEL SPAIN. BUTRU IDALL, I HOPE YALL MEMBAH DIS: FEDRUH AJUNS AIN'T GON BE ABLE TO HANCUFF A MAN COVUH'D IN FISH GREESE.