LANE KIFFIN, STAR OF STAGE AND SCREEN

You know how everything Midas touched turned to gold? Well, that’s basically how Lane Kiffin is except everything Lane Kiffin touches turns immediately into a brick of shit. USC football? Brick of shit. Matt Barkley’s arm? Brick of shit. His own father’s professional career? Pops is with the Cowboys now so, yeah, brick of shit.

What would happen if Lil Kiff and his magic touch got dropped into some of our most beloved movies? Let’s find out! [Blue skidoos into a picture of Matt Barkley as a centaur]

Movie: Wizard of Oz
Character replacing: Dorothy

If I know Lane (and I don’t at all), I think he’d do a great job leading his motley crew to Oz. Well, at first at least. The gang would start off strong, just steam rolling their way down the Yellow Brick Road, leaving nothing but a trail of flying monkey bodies in their wake. Something would go wrong though. Maybe the Wicked Witch of the West (David Shaw) would get in the way and destroy their hopes and dreams.

At this point the team would start to fracture and rip apart. The Cowardly Lion would get drunk and tell a bunch of reporters about the inner workings of the group (aka how Lane keeps texting shirtless pics to Scarecrow) and they would die in a forest.

Also the entire trip would occur on a BMX bike.

Movie: Harry Potter (all seven of them)
Character replacing: Harry

This one is pretty simple. Lane as Harry dies when Voldemort Avada Kedavra’s him. It was Harry’s mother’s love that protected him in the original story, but we all know Lane’s family hates him.

Unrelated, but do you think the killing curse was "Avada Kedavra" because it sounds close to "avocado" and everyone that likes avocados deserves to die? (EDITOR'S NOTE: Please ignore everything he's saying. He just wants attention.)

Movie: Jaws
Character replacing: Quint

Kiffster would screw this up royally. Everyone would die. Like, the whole town of Amity would get eaten by a shark. You might think the shark would die from eating too much or would at least get full, but no. Somehow Kiffin’s involvement here would assure destruction for every citizen and tourist.

Movie: Return of the Jedi
Character replacing: Luke

Spends the whole movie using the force to try and see girls’ butts. When it comes time for him to fight Vader he gets distracted by how "totally rad this lightsaber is" and gets chopped in half at the waist. His dying words are "I deserved this. I shouldn’t have fired you, Dad."

Movie: Tommy Boy
Character replacing: Richard

Richard was Tommy’s know-it-all enemy in the beginning and his hairless best friend at the end. If he were replaced by Kiffin he would start out as a know-it-all dickbag again and would end the movie at 8-4 or 7-5.

Movie: Slumdog Millionaire
Character replacing: uh the main one

I did not see Slumdog Millionaire and you’ll never convince me that I should. I guess everyone probably dies here too.

Movie: Toy Story
Character replacing: Woody

In a lot of ways, Lane Kiffin is basically Woody from Toy Story. He has a hot wife, probably wears a cowboy hat all the time, and he has stitches instead of kneecaps. I’m pretty sure Kiffin would be enamored with Buzz’s ability to fly and would try to get him to do it all the time instead of telling him he can’t really fly. This would eventually lead to Buzz’s ultimate demise and severe depression amongst the rest of the toys. Andy would develop an addiction to pills and the T-Rex would spend the next six months strung out on heroin.