clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:


New, 971 comments
Wooo sports wooooo
Wooo sports wooooo

Boston College: BC picks up its third straight win to start the season after beating USC and the athletic department, terrified that someone will try to steal Steve Addazio, extends his contract for 200 years. Addazio is so overwhelmed that he mistakenly believes the administration has given him 200 years of immortality and then insists on coaching every game in an old-timey ringmaster's costume with his head inside a lion's mouth.

Clemson: Losses to Georgia and FSU in the first month force Dabo Swinney to adopt the mantra "I Can Fix This." Though his intentions are good, Swinney takes his insistence on self-reliance too far, leading to several ugly confrontations where he's dragged away screaming "I CAN LAND THIS PLANE" even though the team is on a bus.

Duke: Finishes 2-10, and Cutcliffe is forced to find the wizard he struck a bargain with and demand an explanation for the loss of his powers. (The wizard is Hal Mumme, who was distracted all season coaching a warren of rabbits to a D-III title.)

Florida State: In a surprise move, Jameis Winston decides to sit out the entire year to avoid injury and prepare for the NFL. His teammates believe him to be such a leader that they do the same. Jimbo Fisher coaches a team of surgery demonstration dummies to seven wins and speaks effusively about what a tough conference the ACC is from top to bottom.

Georgia Tech: The team spends the final weekend before the first game of the season on a wilderness retreat, but they are never heard from again. Months later, Paul Johnson turns up naked and caked in mud, but with his hair still neatly combed. He has no memory of what transpired in the woods and insists that he is a local seeing-eye dog named Bluebell.

Louisville: Casual cynics think the Cardinals will struggle in their first post-American season by getting beat up on by the top teams in the conference, but that's not a truly ACC way to fail. No, we're talking about losing to Virginia AND Wake Forest all before October. That's pain. That's ACC.

Miami: It turns out Donna Shalala was a double agent for the Chinese the whole time.

NC State: I'm actually not sure what the worst case is. If they go 4-8 or worse, Dave Doeren probably goes on the hot seat. If they go 8-4 or better, Doeren potentially becomes a candidate for a better job somewhere else. The only safe space is 5-7, 6-6, and 7-5...the most NC State records possible. Damn, I kind of feel sad now.

North Carolina: The NCAA suffers legal setbacks in both the O'Bannon case and the NLRB proceeding and, in a drunken fit of vengefulness, goes ape on UNC. The "may only offer 10 scholarships a year and they must all go to dudes named Perry" is a particularly nasty clause.

Pitt: Spilly caters the team banquet.

Syracuse: The Confusing 4-8, where they beat Notre Dame, Louisville, FSU, and Clemson but lose to everyone else on the schedule, including Villanova.

Virginia: Feeling the pressure to turn the program around in his fifth season, Mike London panics and shoots CavMan dead at the home opener against UCLA. "He had a weapon!" London insists. Al Groh agrees to take over as interim coach while London takes a leave of absence.

Virginia Tech: The Hokies miss a bowl game for the first time in 22 seasons, Frank Beamer agrees to step down, and the athletic department realizes it has no idea how to search for a new football coach. They start with an ad on Craigslist. Dan Hawkins responds to it with a shirtless photo in disturbingly high resolution.

Wake Forest: Yes.