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PROS AND CONS: THE BIG TEN

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Drug drama versus unusual graduation practices: GO.

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SEXUAL GRADUATION.
SEXUAL GRADUATION.
Tom Pennington

The Big Ten is a mighty conference of 12-14 academic and athletic powerhouses and a billion alumni, most of whom seem to live near you and go to that sports bar you kind of hate and they always ask the bartender to switch the TV to BTN and you're in like, San Diego so of course no one gets BTN and the bartender is like, sorry bro, and the guy get super mad because "It's the Iowa-Northwestern game! Everyone knows about that game!" and yeah.

There are many good things about the Big Ten: cheese, tailgating, tailgating with cheese, large sweatshirts, large people in large sweatshirts, large people in large sweatshirts tailgating with cheese. But there are some not so good things too, like that football game weather will vary between "hot as fuck" and "I am so fucking cold right now," and the fact that your irritating friends who went to Georgia only had to pack a jacket and a pair of cargo shorts to be prepared for 9 months of weather. Below are a few more pros and cons of the oldest and most elderly-seeming conference in the country:

PROS:

-- 11 of the 13 public schools in the Big Ten are "Public Ivies," which is like an Ivy League school only hahahahahahahaha no it's not.

-- The Big Ten has added Maryland and Rutgers, because Complete Fucking Clusterfuck of an Athletic Department University has already committed to a move to the ACC. (Maryland, watch ten hours of BTN original programming and tell me again that its an advantage. It's just Gerry Dinardo talking himself into Northwestern winning a league title in 2014. That's it.)

-- We have heroin drama now! That's like, real drugs. They got into a terrifying car chase outside of the Ten Thousand Villages in Ann Arbor because nothing says "hard drugs" like fair-trade baby gifts that cost more than my rent. Ann Arbor is hard core now, guys!

CONS:

-- It's cold as fuck most of the time, and no one cares.

-- Everyone probably got into a "better school" and would very much like you to know that. "I got into Yale, but Northwestern is in Central Time." "I got into Stanford, but I thought Wisconsin offered the blend of prodigious alcohol abuse and cheese curds I need to succeed." "I got into being gently and slowly murdered by bears, but I thought Michigan State sounded like a better option."

-- WE DON'T HAVE A SEXUAL GRADUATION.

Casey Calvert, a rising star in adult films, graduated academically and sexually during her time at UF.

How exactly does one graduate sexually? Can you pass academically but fail sexually and someone emails you, "I'm so sorry, you're two credits short in 'going to bone town' and 'taking it from the back' and you're not going to be graduating sexually this semester"? Can you graduate summa cum laude? Can I make a really obvious joke here? Is there a Ph.D. program? Are Ph.D. students in sex also irritating and impoverished?  Do they have a dissertation? Do they have to defend that dissertation? Is "defending your dissertation" a sexual position I cannot even begin to fathom? WHAT ARE YOUR SECRETS, SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE???