THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL RUNS A COVER SEA-DOO DEFENSE

(6:00 AM, in an unidentified NFL front office)

NFL OWNER: So I'm thinking about moving us up in the first round.

NFL GM: Good, because I also think Clowney's worth trying to sn-

OWNER: Who? Hell, we're trying to win a Super Bowl, not that American Gladiators event where you gotta put the plastic balls into the buckets.

GM: Powerball?

OWNER: We're losing focus. I was watching this documentary last night, Waterworld -

GM: - I don't think that's a d -

OWNER: Cut me off again and you'll be coordinating special teams in Kuwait. Anyways, you know I don't trust scientists. How can anyone who spends all that time studying actually understand LIFE? But I don't believe Dennis Hopper would lie to us, which is why the government had him killed. The truth-tellers are always the most dangerous.

GM: (silence)

OWNER: If you disagree, you can say so.

GM: (more silence)

OWNER: Good. Given that we're hurtling towards a future where our species is forced to live on man-made islands after the seas rise, I've decided we need to emphasize finding players with the talent to play the game on the ocean. That's why we're trading up to draft Johnny Manziel.

GM: You know what? This isn't even the worst or craziest idea you've ever had. But I have to know, are we just doing this because we're the Raiders and Dennis Hopper had an eye patch in that movie? And so you think there's some sort of pirate bond between you now, even though it's just a fictional character?

OWNER: Yes.