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ARBOREAL TERROR HAS RETURNED TO AUBURN

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SOMEBODY CALL THE DANG GOVERNOR

Jennifer Hilderbrand-US PRESSWIRE

PAUL FINEBAUM: Let's go to Mike in Bigbee. Mike, what's on your mind?

MIKE FROM BIGBEE: PAWL FIRST I JUST WANNA THANK YOU FOR HAVIN' ME ON THE PROGRUM. I GOT A THEORY T'SHARE ABOUT BAMA'S WORST SEASON IN MODERN HISTORY - AND MIND YOU, LOSIN' TO THEM BARNERS AND THEN GETTIN' KICKED IN THE SACK BY LAURA INGALLS WILDER IN THE BOWL GAME DANG SURE COUNTS AS THE WORST ONE TWO PUNCH SINCE MY UNCLE ATTACKED BOTH OUR SENATORS WITH A LEAF BLOWER.

FINEBAUM: I'm gonna stop you there before you get us all a visit from the FBI, Mike.

MIKE: ANYHOW I GOT TO THINKIN' HOW THE HELL DID THIS TEAM GO FROM BEATIN' THE LIVER SPOTS OFF NOTRE DAME TO NOT EVEN GETTIN' TO PLAY FOR A CHAMPIONSHIP. I MEAN YOU JUST DO THE SIMPLE MATH AND AIN'T NOBODY COULDA BEAT BAMA LAST YEAR. NOT EVEN THE TEAMS THAT ACTUALLY DID.

FINEBAUM: Well, it's definitely a worrying sign that Nick Saban can't even win three titles in a row. Pete Sampras did it at Wimbledon, and he didn't have anywhere near the same level of recruiting resources.

MIKE: 'SACTLY. SO I REALIZE WE, AS A CRIMSON COMMUNITY, GOTTA PICK UP WHERE HARVEY UPDYKE LEFT OFF.

FINEBAUM: Hold on just a second. What Harvey Updyke did was a crime and incredibly thoughtless. It was the worst kind of fan extremism. But even if that wasn't true, you are aware that the trees at Toomer's Corner have already been removed, right?

MIKE: NAW SEE IT AIN'T JUST ABOUT THEM TREES. IT'S ABOUT THE ENTIRE TREE POPULATION OF LEE COUNTY. WAY I SEE IT, WITHOUT TREES YOU GET MASSIVE EROSION. WITH MASSIVE EROSION, EVENTUALLY THE FORCES OF WIND AND WATER REMOVE AUBURN FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH ENTIRELY. CAN'T FIELD A FOOTBALL TEAM FOR A TOWN THAT AIN'T EVEN THERE, AMIRITE?

FINEBAUM: Mike, I really hope this is just a prank call. Please tell me you haven't done anything stupid.

MIKE: I'M A BEE OF MY WORD, PAWWWWL

AND I'M ALREADY DOIN' MY PART TO BRING BAMA BACK TO THE DANG TOP.

FINEBAUM: I'd like to apologize to our audience and promise that we're going to do a better job of filtering out these calls from whack-job bees.

MIKE: ROLL HIVE PAWL