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THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL: ROLL RAW TIDE

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YOU GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THIS GIANT RANG OFF MAH HEAD

Mark Zerof-USA TODAY Sports

1. Those who cling to traditional aesthetics see the ring hat paired with the Bama championship belt and decry the lack of proportionality. If you have a ring big enough to fit atop your head, shouldn't your belt be of similarly increased size? Perhaps in the form of an above ground pool?

2. There are others who question the wisdom of wearing a wedding band and the ring hat simultaneously, because it might suggest that this man treats his marriage as secondary to his Bamaness. Had he chosen to wear a headpiece in the style of a championship crystal football, that tension would not be so readily apparent.

3. Still others will take issue with the sartorial accompaniments this man chose to go with his regal headpiece and cummerbund. Sure, you're attending a wrestling event, but does that mean you can ignore style altogether? No neatly tailored trousers? No sport coat? Not even your clean Nikes, sirrah?

4. All of these groups are 100% wrong. This man is perched atop Maslow's pyramid, fly unzipped, pissing all over the haters and doubters below him. He can do no wrong and will, in time, be hailed as the pinnacle of human history.

5. Roll Tide.