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Celebrity Hot Tub, currently on vacation in Bulgaria, files his horrendous visions of how bad the Big Ten really could be from the road. P.S. if you know a good attorney in Sofia, holler.

Illinois: Scandal erupts when it's revealed Tim Beckman has taken out a credit card in the name of every player on his roster. Further investigation determines Beckman never charges anything to these cards and only wanted them to make chain mail, but the damage is already done.

Indiana: After Indiana starts the year by scoring and giving up over 80 points in its first three games, Kevin Wilson announces at a press conference that he is part of a group of "sports terrorists" who wish to flood the market with touchdowns to drive their value down to nothing. He cackles madly and throws what he thinks is a smoke bomb. It is actually a plum.

Iowa: OPEC votes to extend Kirk Ferentz's contract for another 25 years.

Maryland: Beating USF, West Virginia, and Syracuse in consecutive weeks leads to the creation of a traveling trophy awarded to Maryland called The Conference Traveler's Bindle, a bronzed sack full of old Houston Bowl t-shirts and leprosy.

Michigan: Michigan wins the Big Ten Championship, and the team tips a Gatorade container of cold turkey chili on Brady Hoke. Nobody who sees this image is ever able to conceive children, and the human race dies out in a few decades.

Minnesota: The Gophers go both undefeated and winless in conference play, as they have every season for the last 20 years. If you claim otherwise, you are a Minnesota fan and a separatist who is not to be trusted.

Michigan State: Michigan State beats Oregon in Week 2, leading a confident Mark Dantonio to declare himself "The Unstoppable West Coast Killa." Suge Knight takes offense and challenges Dantonio to a sword fight. Dantonio wins but loses an eye in the process, and his team has trouble paying attention after he refuses to get any treatment or covering for the wound.

Nebraska: Fires Bo Pelini after an early loss to Illinois. Badly wounded Suge Knight is named interim head coach.

Northwestern: A travel booking error leads to Northwestern playing the entirety of its road schedule at Kinnick Stadium. They beat Iowa but lose to two high school bands and the forgotten army of Brad Banks clones buried under the field. The clones kidnap Pat Fitzgerald and force him to ride a unicycle in their unholy subterranean circus show.

Ohio State: The Buckeye end the regular season undefeated but then learn that the Playoff Committee has no intention of giving them one of four postseason slots, even with a conference championship game win, because Pat Haden and Archie Manning have a bet going over whether Urban Meyer can "sob like a six year old who dropped his Popsicle in the playground dirt."


Purdue: Athletic Director Morgan Burke gets suuuuuuuper drunk one night and accidentally lists the football team for sale on eBay. They are purchased by a nine year old boy in Vancouver named Petey, and Purdue is $30 richer.

Rutgers: Let's just let things play out. I have a feeling reality might exceed fiction.

Wisconsin: A crate arrives in Madison covered in warning stickers, all in Russian. An overeager grad assistant decides to open the crate without supervision, and soon a terrible force is unleashed on the town - Ty Willingham.