BIG RED HAS NOTHING ON GRUBBY

That's a statue of the South Dakota School of Mines and Technology mascot, Grubby the Miner. If you're wondering what prompted us to seek that photograph out in the first place, take a look at Grubby in his costumed form:

Oh, the terrors those dotted eyes and teeth have seen. (That one in the middle isn't missing, it's just censored because of adult content.) If Grubby could speak - please, please tell us he can't speak - what the hell would he tell us?

"You'd be surprised how long you can survive on matchsticks and tree sap. I'm going on two years now."

"Oh I've fracked, just check pornhub under 'grizzled amateur.'"

"You know how some people need to hear a certain sound before they can fall asleep? For me it's a man getting his thumb taken off by a table saw. Damn if those thumbs aren't cheap in bulk."

"You got a fax machine? I need to send a bullet to a man in Sault st. Marie electronically. Subject line: killin'."

"I had a wife, once. But she didn't take kindly to the lifestyle that came with me being in the Backstreet Boys. Hell, I've said too much already."

"The term Three Dog Night came from the number of animals you had to keep in the bed with you to stay warm or how many of them you might have accidentally eaten in your sleep. My dreams are vivid. My nights are warm enough already."

"Look, we both know what's made kids so soft today: low-tar cigarettes."

"Some disagree, but I say always fight the man with nothing to lose, because if he wins you've given him something, and that something is probably Hep C, and he'll die like he's been bitten by a Komodo Dragon even if you lose."

"Show me on this lease where it says I can't pay the rent in plasma. I'll see you in court, asshole."

"I'll dance all I want. It's a bus stop, there aren't rules. The wind is my DJ, and that anti-inhalants poster there is my audience. The qualuudes are...well, shit. They're just qualuudes."

"I wrote a novel once, it's called THE BIBLE."

"So then I find out the kidnapping laws don't apply to robots. I know! Anyways, that's why I'd like your vote."

"Smile! I'm taking a photo of your aura." [makes clicking noise while holding up reeking old milk jug to eyeball]

"So when you say 'climate controlled' does that mean I can use this storage unit to start a tornado to send at my enemies?"

"I got this hat in the great battle of Gettysburg! That tour group fought hard that day, but the elderly aren't competitive in MMA for a reason."

"Park rangers carry real guns, by the way."

"Wait a damn minute. You asked if I'D ever been charged with a crime. And the answer is no, because I gave them a fake name."

"It's not lying to a police officer if you believe it in your heart."

"Maybe you should have been more clear that lettin' me crash with you didn't mean I could shower with your old lady."

"You'd be shocked what an insurance company will believe was done by a rabid bison."

"Hell no I don't have utilities. That's how the government tracks ya."

"I was gonna get wealthy off Trap-Stick, the lip balm made from cooking grease I took from the back of Culver's. Damn you, jackbooted FDA thugs."

"Lotta people are surprised by how much blood a human body holds. Not me."

"Dammit, it's a SWAP MEET. Don't bring a baby if you're not willing to trade."

"If antidepressants are just mood elevators, then me robbing a pharmacy for 'em is just taking everyone in my Drury Inn to the next level, right?"

"Can't make it to dinner. Me, Mike Leach, and this duffel bag full of spears got a date with a yeti."

"I've slept worse places than Animal Control. Bismarck, namely."