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Matt Marton-USA TODAY Sports

Maybe you've heard that the Northwestern players won the first stage of their National Labor Relations Board request to unionize yesterday. Maybe not. You're a busy person with diverse interests and if you wanted to spend the entirety of yesterday afternoon reading The Iliad, hey, there's nothing wrong with that.

(Poetry versions only, naturally. Prose translations are for the mentally weak and lazy.)

The NLRB decision directs those Northwestern players who 1) are on scholarship and 2) have eligibility remaining to vote on whether they want to be represented by the College Athletes Players Association in collective bargaining negotiations. They'll probably vote yes on that.

But there's another option: write-in vote for us.

That's right. We're willing to take on the responsibility of representing unionized college athletes. Look at our sterling qualifications!

- As a group, we own at least two (2) suits, which we are willing to rip the sleeves off of mid-negotiation just to prove how serious we are.

- We are not above baiting NCAA officials into a decathlon or other series of athletic events to decide the important issues. You want to keep forcing players to sit out a year if they transfer? BACK THAT UP WITH PUSHUPS, MARK.

- Snacks. We will never hold a meeting with our constituents without snacks. And not even some crummy crudités platter that's left over from another meeting. We'll make you an entire ham.

- Our PR approach will be to avoid bland, pointless press releases and, instead, to drive a monster truck around NCAA headquarters blaring "Welcome To The Jungle" for hours until they give in to our demands.

- Seriously, so many snacks.

Thank you in advance for your trust. We won't let you down.