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THE EDSBS GUIDE TO HIRING A COACH

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SHOULD HAVE COME TO US FIRST, USF

Douglas Jones-US PRESSWIRE

USF had itself a new basketball coach. He'd signed the contract and everything, a five year deal that was going to pay him over a million dollars each season. There was only one thing left before Steve Masiello could take over in Tampa: the background check. Unfortunately, that uncovered a problem. Masiello hadn't actually graduated from Kentucky as he'd claimed.

If USF decided they couldn't go ahead with this deal because Masiello had lied to them, that's one thing. But if they got hung up on his lack of a bachelor's degree, well, that's just foolishness. They weren't hiring a new bursar. The skill set needed to be a head basketball coach is largely independent of formal scholastic background. So, in the interest of helping athletic departments make these tough choices, we'll review the minimum educational requirements for a variety of coaching positions.

Head coach, basketball: High school diploma and one year of college completed. This is mostly because you need to have played basketball beyond the high school level at some point and European leagues don't count since who knows what kind of metric foolishness they use over there. I hear in the LNB they don't call traveling because "zee heart, she is made to wander."

Manager, baseball: Passed middle school. Or at least showed up frequently and didn't punch a teacher.

First base coach, baseball: None required. Hell, you don't even have to be sober. You can even be talking on the phone for most of the game.

Head coach, soccer: There's actually an inverse relationship between years of school and competence for this job, because if you passed fifth grade that means you weren't invited to Bundesliga Under-14 Soccer Academy Prison Island.

Master Trapper, hockey: Is that what they call this coach? I seriously don't know so I just made that up. A good Master Trapper should have some command of French and know how to tie a few kinds of knots. Also he must be able to grow a mustache.

Swing coach, golf: Must have a master's degree or higher in something extremely unmarketable. This proves they have the unsupported self-confidence and bullshitting ability necessary to charge people hundreds of dollars to be only two percent less shitty at golf.

Offensive coordinator, football: The ONLY job that should actually require completion of a four year college curriculum. A good offensive coordinator should be the brainiest dude in the whole program - so brainy, in fact, that he won't even think about the politicking and handshaking necessary to work his way up to a head coach position.

Defensive coordinator, football: Schooling is not important, but your DC should have some esoteric hobby that he's spent hundreds, if not thousands, of hours devoting himself to, like carving incredibly detailed recreations of ocean liners from soap bars or playing the harp.

Special teams coordinator, football: First base coach hooked up to a car battery.

Head coach, football: Just make sure you don't hire someone who went to the school, because then people will be all "oh no we can't fire him even though he went 1-11 because he's FAMILY."