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IDIOTS, AND WHAT THEY MAY SPEAK ON

JUST BE GLAD WE LET YOU TALK AT ALL

By Ryan Nanni

It's a very simple syllogism - humans say stupid things, and you are a human, so therefore you have and will say something stupid. But some people really take that logic and run with it alarmingly often. Rather than tolerate that as a cost of living in a free society, Jane and I have taken up the solemn duty of identifying the extremely limited categories on which the following people may be heard publicly. (Please note that, as usual, there are no appeals.)

BOB KNIGHT

  • Sausage gravy ("Breakfast without gravy is for children and flautists.")
  • Trying on slacks ("Quit whining, you'll grow into them. That's why I married you.")
  • Treating Rece Davis with contempt ("He's too nice, like a country doctor.")
  • Socks ("You have two pairs of socks, you have one pair too many, ingrate.")
BRET BIELEMA
  • Sandwiches ("Slow-roasted beef. Real slow. Like, 'need a huddle before you take a bite' slow.")
  • Bowling shoes ("Know your rights. Make them show you the sign that says 'NO TEVAS.'")
  • The royal family ("If knighthood's an honor, how'd Rutgers get it?")
  • The final season of "Coach" ("Really thought adopting that damn baby ruined the character of the show.")
MARK MAY
  • Clothespins ("Dryers are a gimmick appliance.")
  • Soup ("French onion is a man's man's beverage. I keep it in a water cooler. Keeps me regular, keeps me sane.")
  • Walking sticks ("As Dan Snyder would say, I gotta keep the plebes from peeping' at me.")
  • Scrabble ("Communist filth. You take the letters life gives you and you make the best of it.")
MALCOLM GLADWELL
  • Bowls ("If you put a normal amount of food in a little bowl, it looks bigger. You'll find that in my new book, "The Size of Things," which I optioned to Doubleday for more than your entire body is worth.")
  • J. Crew ("I'm easily offended by texture, so J. Crew is perfect for me, as their merino wool is as close as you can get to a happy ending given by a saucily attired sheep.")
  • DMX ("He acts like a dog! But he isn't one! Maybe first impressions aren't all that matters.")
  • Mangoes ("I've found that mangoes with large seeds tend to be less delicious, which reminds me that no decent jai alai player has ever been born in New Jersey. You can check that.")
MARK EMMERT
  • Crepes ("I'd sooner kill my spaniel than touch a pancake.")
  • Maple syrup ("Tree blood' as I call it, and I'm no vampire.")
  • Orange marmalade ("That Paddington bear knew what the fuck was up, is all I'm saying.")
  • Egg cups ("I like to pretend it's a little holy grail. Not that I'd ever grow my hair that long.")
PITBULL
  • The naturalization of German immigrants and the Germanic understanding of nationhood ("DALE")
  • Plato's allegory of the cave ("DALE")
  • Corporate appropriation of third-wave feminism ("DALE")
  • "The Turn of the Screw" and the horror of the Romantic era ("YEAH YEAH")
  • Entropy as a manifestation of physical love ("DALE")