YOU JUST TURN AROUND AND GO BACK INSIDE, BIG TEN BASKETBALL

You heard me, Big Ten basketball. You just go back inside and think about what you did.

I saw that stunt you pulled. In full view of everyone in the ACC and the Big 12 and all. Iowa lost to Northwestern and Purdue threw everything it had at Ohio State despite having like, three actual basketball players and it was ON TELEVISION and now we're never going to be invited anywhere.

I'm not mad, Big Ten basketball. I'm not mad at all. I'm disappointed and I'm a little confused. Sure, the Big Ten being the "deepest" conference could be meant to mean "anyone could hypothetically beat anyone and oh dear god there is so much blood coming out of my ears" and yes, seven teams from the conference might make the dance but if more than three make it past the first weekend I will personally reenact the entire "Make 'Em Laugh" scene from "Singin' in the Rain" using Thad Matta's weird-looking head as a prop.

Iowa had "chemistry" issues? IT'S FUCKING MARCH. You should have figured this shit out by now because THAT'S HOW COLLEGE BASKETBALL WORKS. A lack of chemistry doesn't make you shoot under 35%. "Being maybe a little shitty at basketball" makes you shoot under 35% and that maybe a little shitty at basketball team was 14-3 like three fucking hours ago and beat Michigan and Ohio State (the latter in Columbus.) Oh wait, but Ohio State got swept by Penn State but beat Michigan State who got swept by Michigan but that's okay because INJURIES INJURIES INJURIES. Michigan's defense is made out of toast points and Wisconsin is like the "Three Faces of Eve" only if two of them were Bo Ryan looking sick. There's like, a 60% chance that everyone in the Big Ten is completely terrible at basketball and now we have to go play OTHER TEAMS?

I love you, Big Ten basketball, in all your bloody spidery wonder but if we're supposed to go hang out with Kansas and Duke and Virginia and teams that might be able to play "offense" and "defense" without needing a Declaration of War from Vyacheslav Molotov then GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER.

When I let you out of this house I expect you to PLAY BASKETBALL LIKE YOU HAVE PLAYED IT FOR, OH, I DON'T KNOW, LONGER THAN 45 MINUTES. I don't think that's too much to ask.

AND DON'T EVEN FUCKING LOOK OUT THE WINDOW, BIG TEN FOOTBALL. I AM DONE WITH YOU.