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THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL CRAVES FROZEN CORN DOGS

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PULLMAN NEEDS HIGHER FROZEN FOOD THEFT STANDARDS

George Frey

It's amazing how flexible the definitions of "food" can be depending on context and geography. For instance, take anything eaten in the Midwest that isn't meat. Look at it all, despair, and then remember that not only do people eat it on a daily basis, they do it with full knowledge of the existence of other, better foods in the world. Potato salad with sour cream is SHIT. Stop making it that way, go Texas-style with mustard and bacon, and banish sorrow from your life forever.

Not only do people consider a wide variety of things to be "food," but they'll go to a lot of different extremes to get those varying definitions of food into their stomachs. For instance, Washington State defensive tackle Austin Brown not only considers corn dogs to be "food," but also is willing to commit a third-degree misdemeanor in order to acquire them.

Among the stolen items were two gallons of milk, a bag of potato chips, strudel pastries, and a box of frozen corn dogs.

Brown was arrested, because even an item as worthless as a frozen corn dog still has some proprietary value, but that's not the point. The point is that if you are going to risk a charge to steal some food, you do not do it at the Wal-Mart, dammit. You won't see us getting busted for stealing strudel pastries and some Lay's.

Oh hell, no: we will be apprehended with a cart full of filets, the super-fancy type of Triscuits, a barrel of Australian Shiraz, some kind of fancy-ass chips which are probably sold for a dollar a bag under a different name at Aldi, and pomegranates because dammit those things are expensive. It's going to look like a Whole Foods exploded in there. Unlike the naive youth of Pullman, we know what groceries are worth stealing, dammit.

P.S. Also lifting a thing of 27 blade razor cartridges, because we are playing this game of Hipster Supermarket Sweep to WIN. You get five things to win. GO.