THE BIG TEN IS ALREADY DRUNK AND NEEDS A RIDE HOME

This week in the Big Ten, we're honoring Nebraska history, changing our grades, and removing Buckeyes from our very important social media platform. But first, a reminder that sports are and will continue to be awesome:

PURDUE:

NEWSEY NEWS:

Purdue might be shifting to a year-round academic schedule. Says one student: "I’m over school and being done sooner than now would have been a big help." Purdue!

A Purdue graduate got a four-year prison term for hacking into his professors' computers and changing his grades. His senior year, he skipped all of his classes but still had straight As. My senior year, I watched "Planet Earth" at least once a week. Shallow Seas FTW.

Not at Purdue but seems...Purdueable:

"It's so funny, we're just perfect for each other! She ALSO enjoys watching Ghost in the Shell episodes with the sound off while snow falls outside my dorm room window and I microwave cheese on a plate and eat it! When I was like, "let's go to a highlighter party and make shots that symbolize every element on the Periodic Table," she was totally silent which meant she was definitely into it! Boiler up!"

IOWA:

NEWSEY NEWS:

So, uh, Iowa City news continues to be way more serious than I thought.

Iowa is hosting a ladies-only football academy, so if you've ever wanted to get up close and personal with Kirk Ferentz, here's your chance. He enjoys large tight ends and conservative play-calling, if you catch my drift. But no tricky shit, ladies. Kirk's a straight-forward kinda guy.

Former Iowa player is suing over rhabdomyolysis-related injuries. Google Image results for rhabdomyolysis are unpleasant.

WISCONSIN:

NEWSEY NEWS:

Madison has had it UP TO HERE WITH YOUR SHIT, Winter. Expect a very long and polite letter drunkenly written and then rewritten the next morning because the first version had a lot of swearing and a long tangent about the 2012 Rose Bowl.

"Pussy Riot Supports Wisconsin" /stops reading, imagines someone explaining Pussy Riot to Barry Alvarez, and Barry Alvarez saying "Pussy who?" six times before shaking his head and going back to watching "60 Minutes, 60 Left Tackles."

MICHIGAN:

NEWSEY NEWS:

NOPE NOPE DON'T DRINK THAT DON'T DO IT YOU WILL DIE ALSO DON'T DRINK GOLDSCHLAGER AND THEN SHOW UP TO SOMEONE'S HOUSE PARTY, HAVE LIKE, 12 SHOTS, AND THINK "My, this stretch of carpet looks like the perfect place to vomit!" BECAUSE IT'S NOT. IT'S JUST NOT.

Winning Coach of the Year is only getting in the way of John Beilein's plans for the week. He was going to get down to Meijer and start on that tuna salad recipe but noo, he has to talk to BTN about winning some random award. Now what is he supposed to put in his lunch box for the trip to Indianapolis?

A Michigan dropout has built a new social media platform and Buckeyes can't come. Never let it be said that Michigan's hatred of Ohio State is somewhat less than the Buckeye's hatred for Michigan, Michigan just does it in a more passive-aggressive way. Ohio State keys your car. Michigan gets your car towed and then gives you a ride to the towing company but drops you off at the wrong one and drives away before you realize you're somewhere in freaking Plymouth and left your cell phone charger at home. I have a seventeen-point plan to get back at Holly Anderson for calling Charles Woodson fat on the internet that involves a full-grown bear and violating the RICO statute. Watch yourself.

NEBRASKA:

NEWSEY NEWS:

The Museum of Nebraska History* is getting an $8 million dollar renovation. Looking forward to the Bo Pelini Wing of Angered Angry People Screaming At Referees For Not Calling Roughing the QB.

Nebrasketball is a phenomenon you are powerless to stop. Fear the Mildly Mild Tim Miles. Woe to those who cross Terran Petteway. Here is Tim Miles showing you that Nebraska toilets feature guest appearances by ESPN's Adam Schefter. You're welcome.

via farm3.staticflickr.com

PENN STATE:

NEWSEY NEWS:

Nope.

James Franklin is going to bond with his players and they are going to LIKE IT as the alternatives to bonding with your teammates in State College are "I don't know, go get ice cream or something?"

MICHIGAN STATE:

NEWSEY NEWS:

"B.J,, you're just fresh as a daisy."

A Kalamazoo-area baseball team is making a uniform shirt entirely out of selfies because of course they are.

It snowed again because it will never be warm again in Michigan. Never. It will hover above 40 in mid-June but then it will snow during summer workouts and someone will say that this is REAL BIG TEN FOOTBALL because nothing says MANLY MEN like playing in the snow in July. NOW GO LOSE ONE NON-CONFERENCE GAME AND WIN YOUR DAMN LEAGUE.

ILLINOIS:

NEWSEY NEWS:

How this list of Illini-centric spooky stories doesn't include the most terrifying tale of all is beyond me:

:: turns off lights ::

:: huffs paint ::

"Coach Ron Zook's coaching history begins with..."

270 people were ticketed during Unofficial St. Patrick's Day, or as Wisconsin students call it, "Monday."

OHIO STATE:

NEWSEY NEWS:

A Toledo man was arrested for waving a samurai sword around and threatening people. If you have been to Toledo, you understand his plaintive cry for justice.

Urban Meyer had "minor brain/spine surgery" which is the least minor surgery of all.

Ed--

BREAKING:

via guyism.com

ahahahhaha that is all go bucks --Ed.

INDIANA:

NEWSEY NEWS:

The data breach from a few weeks ago might indicate that colleges are being targeted, so lock up those Little 500 NSFW photos now, Hoosiers. Otherwise you're never getting that analyst job in Chicago.

Indiana has new uniforms for the Big Ten Tournament so look for Will Sheehey to look even more like Will Sheehey. The Sheeheyest. Most Sheehey. Pure Sheehey. Unadulterated Sheehey.

MINNESOTA:

NEWSEY NEWS:

I have no jokes about this story about a Minnesota basketball player losing his parents. You should read it. It's good.

Minnesota is apparently full of incredibly sad heart-warming moments.

NORTHWESTERN:

NEWSEY NEWS:

"...I have the right to believe you have wasted time and are now considerably misinformed about scandalous publications and Northwestern men's revenue sports.  Let us make fist-claws with you starting, for we are bound to travel in sunlight and in shade, in lively wins and dismal losses, through Wildcat alleys and Welsh-Ryan arenas; with Fitzes and with Collinses; o'er Victory Rights and wild option pitches, through Pizza cities, pizza towns, and pizza hamlets, where humanity sits 'mid legends and leaders, where base helmets contrast with unalloyed hat."

Northwestern football loses money, but they tend to lose money in gritty, intelligent but painful ways.

* State-specific history sucks. I had to take Ohio history and all I remember is that Cincinnati was originally named "Losantiville" and a bunch of shit about canals and how locks worked. I was in third grade at the time. In third grade I cared about the following subjects: breakfast cereals, not being made fun of, Wishbone, how my third-grade teacher was woefully misinformed about the rules for Go Fish. You will note that locks are not among the subjects about which I cared. There was not and has not been a day in which I thought, "I wish I knew more about the canal system in southern Ohio."  Did we get to learn about bizarre bootlegger murders? No, because that would take too much time away from thinking about locks. I hate locks. And I hate state-specific history unless it involves weird murders or strange disappearances. Also, the state rock song of Ohio is "Hang On, Sloopy" and the resolution that made it so is kind of hilarious.