Brent Musburger is moving to the new SEC Network as their number one announcer, pairing with Jesse Palmer to cover ESPN's share of the SEC schedule. Because the Master of Odds hasn't spent as much time in SEC territory as he should have, we at EDSBS have compiled this helpful list of places and activities for each SEC town sure to satisfy anyone---yes, even the Gambling Demon Who Keeps The Mike Steaming himself.
ATHENS, GEORGIA: Gambling of any sort is not allowed in the state of Georgia, and yet there sits "Mike Bobo, Highly Paid and Respected Assistant."
AUBURN, ALABAMA: Simulcast dog track racing! It's the sex tape for your wallet!
BATON ROUGE: The Hollywood Casino. Oh, the L'Auberge is nicer, but the price you pay for fancy is getting the side eye from the pit bosses when you open up a tin of Vienna Sausages at the blackjack table. No one's gonna judge you like that at the Hollywood because they, too, understand the importance of portable protein at a low price point.
COLLEGE STATION, TEXAS: There are no casinos. Satisfy urge for risk by whispering "the best breakfast tacos in the world are in Austin," and then run to the nearest armored vehicle.
COLUMBIA, MISSOURI: Isle of Capri Casino, Boonville. Just like the Italian version, immigrants are seriously unwelcome here.
COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA: No formal gambling, but isn't being in Columbia enough of a wager on its own?
FAYETTEVILLE, ARKANSAS: Sure, you could drive to Roland, Oklahoma for the nearest gaming opportunities. But John Daly's headed that way anyway after the game, and there's plenty of room on that old mule's rump for the two of you.
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA: A short drive to Ocala and you'll find the last true democracy on Earth - jai-alai. You'll need ID to buy a beer, but not to strap on a cesta. Can you win money? Friend, let me tell you - seeing that pelota crash into Hal Steinbrenner's tibia is worth more than cash. That'll teach you to be too proud to wear rec specs, Hal.
KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE. Jimmy Haslam would love for you to participate in his Wheel of Rewards program. Roulette? No, it's certainly not that. Rumors of a magnet taped into the 00 slot? Purely speculative, as the Wheel of Rewards is just one of many ways Haslam gives back to his customers. We will need to check you for a wire before you can play.
LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY. Keeneland's right there, and yet again Kentucky manages to beat anything we can make up about it with its own mindbending reality.
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE: Nothing is legal in Nashville, but if you really feel froggy you can try the most dangerous game of chance of them all: Randy Travis. There are no winners in Randy Travis, only the bankrupt and the impregnated. (Kenny Chesney's not bankrupt. Worth noting.)
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI: Anywhere in Tunica could do, Brent, but that's a long way to drive for a game of chance when Dr. Bo Wallace is open for surgery 24/7 in a secret pool hall beneath the Confederates' memorial in the Square.
STARKVILLE, MISSISSIPPI: No need to go to Tunica: Fred Smoot's room at the Comfort Suites is your one-stop shop for all games of chance. "This room is a broom closet," you say. Incorrect - it's a broom closet with a window, and that distinction will matter when ATF shows up at what Fred keeps calling "The Lavender Lounge."
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA: Asking "Where's the Shula Statue" in front of Bryant-Denny is all the danger a man needs in life, really.