TEXAS HIGH SCHOOL QUILTING IS LIKE NO OTHER QUILTING IN THE WORLD

Because anonymous shit-talking is an important American tradition - shouts out to Publius - LonghornDigest gave four unnamed Texas high school coaches the opportunity to weigh in on Mack Brown's departure, Charlie Strong's hiring, and the future of college football in the state. They provide an interesting look at the minefield Strong and his competition have to deal with.

(Before you say anything: yes, this is the second Texas item we've run today. We are secret Texas homers, sworn to do the bidding of the Longhornmasons after being initiated in a mystical ceremony that involved sacrificing one of the unsuccessful attempts to clone Colt McCoy. We hope you are in a better place now, Case.)

Naturally, LonghornDigest had to be judicious about which quotes they did and didn't use. These coaches may be anonymous, but the site still has a relationship to maintain with them. We, however, have no such interpersonal connections, and can therefore give you the unpublished questions and answers:

Who would you have hired to replace Mack Brown?

Coach A: "That's a tough one. I think this was Texas's chance to show the state they're still running things, so I would have hired away Kevin Sumlin from A&M and then demoted him to get-back coach. Show those Aggies money still talks."

Coach B: "Mack Brown."

Coach C: "I'd go outside the usual circles and get a real upstart. Someone from the high school ranks with a mind and spirit ready to take that leap. Preferably local, of course. A real Coach C type, if you will."

Coach D: (mumbles about how Coach B got three pieces of pizza but he only got two)

What gives you reason to believe Strong might not succeed?

Coach A: "We do things in Texas a certain way, and an outsider just might not understand that. Coach Strong has called a few times to check in. That's nice and all, but did he send a messenger bird carrying a love poem he wrote only for me? No. No he did not."

Coach B: "I think the worst thing he can do is start relying too much on recruits outside the state. You know who didn't play high school football in Texas? Judas Iscariot."

Coach C: "It's all about building relationships with me and the other coaches. Mack used to let me crap in his master bathroom - hell, he'd insist on it! Is the new guy gonna make me use the guest bathroom? Like I'm some Austro-Hungarian?"

Coach D: (grumbles something about not being named prom queen despite obviously having the prettiest hair)

Is there any advice you'd like to give Coach Strong and his staff?

Coach A: "Always remember that you'd have no college football without high school football. In some ways, we're the most important football there is. Unless there's some sort of in utero 7 on 7 league. Hold up, I'mma call my lawyer."

Coach B: "Just win a national championship and you'll be fine. For at least the next season, that is."

Coach C: "Y'all hiring?"

Coach D: (fusses unintelligibly, is only satiated by constant personal attention)