We ask the simple question: is this thing SEC, or not? Our first subject is the likely starting quarterback at Alabama, senior Blake Sims.
Position: quarterback. A ding on his resume before he even starts, since quarterbacks are easily the ninth or tenth most SEC position out of all eleven starting offensive positions. They're only saved from being last, since a quarterback could conceivably prove his value by handing the ball to a running back directly, or perhaps making a savvy read on an option. Wide receivers are the devil's prancing billy goats, and can only validate their existence momentarily by throwing themselves heroically into the knees of a defensive back. -4000 SEC Points
Does he talk? No, because he is at Alabama and is forbidden to speak, not just to reporters, but to anyone at all for his first two years on campus at least. This is really, really SEC of him, because talking is for ladies and effete Yankees who can't drive stick and napkin the grease off their pizza. +3,999 SEC Points
Will he run the damn ball? He is "mobile," and can run, but know this: even when he is forced to run, he will feel bad and wrong about it because that is the proper thing to do. He may even tap his chest after a thirty yard scramble for TD and mouth "my bad" at the bench. Additionally, he will slide after a short, tasteful gain, and walk leisurely back to the huddle. All 40 seconds of the clock will be used, in accordance with common good taste and gentlemanly mores. -238 SEC Points
Does this mean he likes passing the ball? Oh heavens, we hope not. Like most quarterbacks, he's just happy to be on the team, even if he has to play a thankless position that falls below punter in trustworthiness. No points because that's just the way things should be and you don't get credit for that.
Is he going to celebrate, ever? No. He will hand the ball to the referee, proceed to the bench, and think about how they could have given the defense more time to rest. Handshakes and demure helmet pats ONLY. +200 SEC Points
Can he stop shaming his parents and pick an honorable position like linebacker? No, sadly, and don't even say that shameful slander about the quarterback being the linebacker of the offense. That's Mike Shula talk. -500 SEC Points
Does he have something on his iPod about sweet cold ones on the lake in the moon with the girl by the Southern Moonlight? Unknown.
Has he ever defaulted on a truck loan? Not yet. It's in his daddy's name either way, or, in some cases, a booster who only goes by "Fat Lefty."
Is he going to just take one play at a time and play a man's game every weekend in the nation's most physical football conference? You bet your ass he will. +500 SEC Points
Is he too full of Bama? By definition he can't be, because there ain't no such thing. He is from Georgia, however, so the watch for a sleeper cell quarterback can't ever be too vigilant. (See "Operation Muschamp," UGA's successful plan to kneecap the Florida program from the inside.) Points undetermined.
Will he kick a winning field goal to beat Auburn? Given the track record of Alabama kickers recently? This is is not only entirely possible, but perhaps advisable. He'd be happier, too, since he'd finally be playing something like a real man's football position. +40 SEC Points
SUM SEC-NESS: One point of SEC-ness, putting him on the positive side...for the moment.