Florida State (review by @ChoppinBottles)
Overview: Quite possibly the greatest assembly of young talent in human history. Would beat the X-Men on a neutral field by 28. Still underrated by the media, because jealousy and haters.
Grade: Conservatively, since we still have to see how these fellas pan out, A plus plus.
Alabama (review by @DoThaWeinkeLeg)
Overview: The rich get richer, except you live in Alabama, the only state where the poverty line is considered VIP. Considering Saban would cheat to win a game of Solitaire, overall hard to be impressed when you think of how many five-stars he didn't get.
Grade: You didn't go to Alabama because you care about grades.
Ohio State (review by @FukThemCanesChristianRecords)
Overview: Wow, you got a bunch of the top recruits in your state. Surprising that they didn't go with the other top option for Ohio high school grads, the University of Live In Cleveland And Work At A Restaurant And Tell Yourself You're Going To Move To Los Angeles One Day Even Though It's A Lie.
Grade: ha they lost to Clemson
LSU (review by @ITokeInDoak)
Overview: Stars don't matter when the kids you sign make that prison in Face/Off look like a church youth group. And some players want to be big fish in small lakes, so have fun in the retention pond we call the Outback Bowl, Malachi Dupre.
Grade: Seriously, that prison with the magnetic boots was fucking awesome.
Florida (review by @Its_Jamesbo_to_you)
Overview: (gif of Florida players blocking each other)
Grade: (airbrushed t-shirt with crude caricature of a Native American teabagging an alligator)
Texas (review by @DeadSeaNolez)
Overview: I heard before he left Mack Brown told all his recruits to look elsewhere because he'd left norovirus all over the Texas facilities.
Grade: Norovirus could probably beat BYU, though.
Notre Dame (review by @MoreLikeSkankBorest7)
Overview: Jimbo hasn't gotten a contract extension and a raise in a month. Does this mean he's leaving for the NFL? I think we need to step up to the plate and lock him down.
Grade: No, like, literally, chain him to something heavy. Force the Texas boosters to raise enough money to afford his buyout and a chainsaw made of diamonds.
Kentucky (review by @DougJohnsonParody)
Overview: Having a kid and committing to play football for Kentucky are both bad decisions you can make at 18, but you can still go to the Sugar Bowl if you have a kid.
Grade: They don't let you smuggle the kid in for free in a cooler, though. Fuckin' cops.
Miami (review by @CaptainDsTallahassee)
Overview: Wonder what excuse Canes fans are going to use to not see these guys play in a couple years. Probably saving money to spend on not going to Dolphins games or not paying child support.
Grade: Please note - Captain D's Tallahassee location is no longer accepting Discover cards or unlabeled bottles of prescription medication as payment.
Stanford (review by @TimTeblowsGetIt)
Overview: A really well-rounded class, with depth on both lines, a talented quarterback, and some intriguing talent at linebacker. No five-stars, but still a very impressive haul that may keep the Cardinal at the top of the conference for years to come.
Grade: (18 straight tweets to porn stars)