If you were unimpressed with last night's Super Bowl commercials, you were right to be - unless you live in Savannah, Georgia. The broadcast there featured an ad for a local attorney that is three parts mid 90s rock video, two parts Punisher origin story, and five parts fire for no reason.
Let's break this bad boy down.
0:01 - Per Chatham County ordinance, all advertisements must begin with a thematically appropriate piece of scripture, which makes for some REALLY interesting vasectomy billboards.
0:10 - Mr. Casino demonstrates his ability to summon coins from his hands. It's an impressive and valuable superpower, but difficult to control and one reason why Casino isn't allowed to make meatballs for dinner. Swallowing a nickel is not as fun as you remember from childhood.
0:19 - TIP: It's considered rude in the criminal underworld to bring someone a cash payment that doesn't come in a package of some sort. You don't need to buy an expensive briefcase, but a lunch box or something would be nice.
0:23 - If two dudes in khakis and black polos with "POLICE" screenprinted on the back come to your door, do not open it. Demand to see more identification and ask to speak with a supervisor. Tell that supervisor this is not what cop uniforms look like, and to stop being cheap.
0:45 - "At some point, a man must ask why God created him." This is the part where he unveils a garage full of heavy artillery so he can go after the criminal underworld responsible for his brother's death, right?
0:46 - Right???
0:55 - Say what you will about the print industry being behind the times. The Savannah News has front page GIFs and can project itself onto random gravestones. That's reach.
1:03 - The best picture you could find of your brother was him in an undershirt and hoodie? And why does your brother look like Spilly?
1:06 - Jamie made the front page! With what appears to be a promise of vengeance! Awesome!
1:18 - Wait no Jamie that's your brother's grave
1:33 - Seriously Jamie that's not cool the groundskeeper is going to be super pissed
1:46 - JAMIEEEEEEEEEEEE
1:56 - If you've been in a workplace accident, you may be entitled to compensation. Also Jamie Casino will spell out words on your boss's front lawn in fire. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR INADEQUATE SAFETY MEASURES AT THE LOADING DOCK, BOSS.
2:00 - Jamie Casino, 2015 Illinois Head Football Coach.