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EXPANDING THE FIELD OF FAT GUY ACHIEVEMENT

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SOON FAT GUYS WILL SCORE ALL OF THE POINTS

Hunter Martin

Everyone loves a fat guy touchdown. (If you do not love fat guy touchdowns, please redirect your browser to www.geocities.com/youwillneverknowwhatloveis.) It's a delightful feat of unexpected athleticism and a source of limitless joy, and if we could convince some corporate entity to sponsor an entirely self-serious Fat Guy Touchdown Of The Year Award, we would do so.

The fat guy touchdown has a cousin overseas, as it turns out:

This makes you wonder what other fat guy TD equivalents we could see in other sports. For basketball, you could go with the steal-drive the floor-one handed 360 dunk, but that's a little hyperspecific. Just give us a fat man three point contest during All-Star Weekend instead.

Baseball's a tricky one, mostly because the fat dudes get hidden as much as possible. It's tempting to go with stealing a base, but there's a more amusing option: the Fat Guy Bunt. I have personally seen this happen, and David Ortiz BARELY beat the throw to first from an outfielder after he bunted to an uncovered third base.

But there is one arena in which the fat man has yet to dominate - tennis. There's so much possibility here. Personally, I'm imagining a 270 pound dude who has no speed but is insanely powerful just BOMBING serves. All of his sets go into tiebreakers because he cannot win on the return consistently, and he wins the tiebreakers because his 193 mile per hour serve is do physically and psychologically crushing.

Go win Wimbledon, imaginary fat guy I just made up. DO IT FOR AMERICA.