THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL PUTS THE RINGS ON 'EM

The possibility of Olympic football, even in some altered, minimalist form, is something we support, if for no better reason then hey look it's more football when there wasn't any before. (It'll also be fun seeing Joe Flacco play for Italy because he can't get on the U.S. roster. LUI NON È DI ALTO LIVELLO.) Even if it doesn't bear a strong resemblance to what we watch in college and the NFL, at the very least it's likely to be an event America will be favored to win, which is also why we support Olympic Pizza Buffet. It's a timed event, naturally, and Olympic Pizza Buffet Relay is where things get really intense. "Oh dear, they've lost the breadstick on the exchange!"

The tricky part will be finding somebody to coach Olympic football. Anyone who's already got a job at the college level is unlikely to want to sacrifice time they could be spending recruiting/preparing/golfing, and an NFL type will probably be too divisive. You really don't want to see what Denver fans will say if Andy Reid only takes home the bronze.

No, we're going to have to pull somebody out of retirement. Our top three candidates:

1. Lou Holtz. Has shown willingness to travel (try to imagine someone going from Arkansas to Minnesota to Notre Dame to South Carolina now) and, in theory, still keeps up with the game. Will probably say something horrifically racist/nationalist at the Opening Cermonies. We're okay with that because he'll use old-timey slurs for the Portuguese and Lithuanians that nobody understands.

2. Jim Tressel. Show-cause shouldn't apply to Olympic coaching, and just imagine that sweater vest all American-ed up. We'll put the entirety of the Declaration of Independence on the back of it. And we don't really care if you think Tressel's a cheater - these are the Olympics. Cheating is the whole damn point. War Ben Johnson!

3. Howard Schnellenberger. Yeah, forget any of those other ideas. This is the correct answer, and not just because Schnelly was actually John Quincy Adams's father. Abigail had needs, man.