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HATIN' ASS SPURRIER GETS HIS BOWLIN' SHOES SHINED

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THEY'RE WATER REPELLENT, BECAUSE AL GOLDEN'S NOT GREAT AT THAT ANTIPERSPIRANT THING

Smart of Oregon to go with the O helmets in the Rose Bowl. Second Half of the Alphabet's only offered in the Spring at Florida State.

Baylor, it's not like you're encouraged to go to parties anyway.

Senate candidates spend millions of dollars just to get one win in six years, too, Clemson.

Schedule an FCS school like Iowa State on the last day of the season and that'll happen, TCU.

If beating Wisconsin's that impressive, why didn't Cirrhosis get a playoff spot?

Usually when Wisconsin blows that hard a breathalyzer catches fire.

Wisconsin's offensive coordinator might be the best defense Melvin Gordon faced all year.

Don't ask Bud Foster about VT's bowling streak unless you're ready to see him pick up a 7-10 spare in chaps.

FSU's about as good at covering the spread as Jimbo Fisher's hair.

Mike Riley likes riding his bike? Figures Nebraska would mess up and hire an offensive coach who doesn't like long drives.

Lookin' forward to spending some time with Al Golden and comparin' notes about getting paid to lose in an NFL stadium.

I thought the only pirate George O'Leary dominated like that was Captain Morgan.

UCF won on a Hail Mary, but George is tellin' his priest it was a whole novena.

I don't know exactly how much cats sleep every day, but I know they can do it for at least four hours consecutively on a Friday night in December.

NFL scouts are right, Marcus Mariota is too quiet. Bet they got high blood pressure listed as a fourth rounder, too.

Penn State in Yankee Stadium is so New Jersey the halftime show should be a Frank Sinatra impersonator bribing a health inspector.

Bret Bielema's got jokes about "playing with his long horn" and you just had to let him use them, didn't you Texas Bowl?

The Russell Athletic Bowl with Clemson and Oklahoma really is appropriate. The spring goes out of a pair of gym shorts after a few hard washes, too.

Half the population of Memphis sleeps in their car, so it's gonna be real hard to pick Dana Holgorsen out of the crowd if he wants to avoid media day.

It's Texas A&M and West Virginia in a bowl game in Memphis, so pretty much everyone there will know how to properly smoke a DB.

You think Georgia gets that spot if Mark Richt doesn't have a modeling contract for Belk Comfort-Waist Church Slacks?

Hitting two Ls hard and finishing with a cheap bowl? Georgia's gonna order pizza and wanna watch "Event Horizon" again, y'all.

Orange Bowl better not ask Paul Johnson to pose with fruit, though. He thinks scurvy's "the cut block of disease."

No, don't bother, I can look up the price for a one-way ticket from Miami to Ann Arbor for you, Dan.

Michigan's afraid Les Miles would say no, but wouldn't that be the first time he's answered a question coherently?

Y'all knew Urban Meyer's players had legal troubles at Florida. Why are you surprised they're jumpin' TCU in the middle of the night now?

The Georgia Dome is the natural home of teams that don't make the playoffs, TCU.

Hope Jeremy Foley's on eBay. I gotta stapler I need to sell for $400.

Shame the Beatitudes don't apply to the Conference USA standings, Southern Miss.

In America, Art Briles says we put two teams head to head and see who's the best.And in Texas, we take one of those teams and put them against Michigan State in front of 70,000 hungover drunkards on New Year's Day.

High school reunions can be awkward, but I bet Bill Snyder has a good time at the Alamo Bowl.

It's called the Independence Bowl because nobody in Shreveport pays child support.

It's called the Quick Lane Bowl because you'll drive illegally in the carpool lane to get away from a Rutgers-UNC game.

It's called the Outback Bowl because the dingo got a transfer offer from Gus Malzahn after it ate your baby.

It's called the Taxslayer Bowl because Tennessee fans are good for one IRS agent murder a year.

It's called the Armed Forces Bowl because you'd have to get drafted in order to watch it.

It's called the Cactus Bowl because Mike Gundy's a prick.

It's called the GoDaddy Bowl because Mobile specializes in sleazy hosting, too.