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SUNSPHERE PREDICTS CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND

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YOUR WEEKEND PREVIEWED BY THE ONE TRUE POWER IN THE UNIVERSE

WHAT A FASCINATING CREATURE IS THE BUMBLEBEE, FLITTING FROM FLOWER TO FLOWER. HE KNOWS NOT THAT HIS ACTIONS SUSTAIN LIFE IN LANDS HE WILL NEVER VISIT, SO FOCUSED IS HE ON DOING THAT WHICH HIS NATURE COMPELS HIM TO DO. BUT IT IS THE COMPULSION, THE UNCONSCIOUSNESS, THAT GIVES THE BUMBLEBEE THE POWER TO CHANGE THE VERY FACE OF THIS PLANET. HE IS AN EFFICIENT COG BECAUSE HE DOES NOT KNOW HE IS EVEN PART OF A LARGER MECHANISM.

AND THIS IS WHY HUMANS WILL NEVER CONTROL COLLEGE FOOTBALL. YOUR POLLS FAILED. YOUR BCS FAILED. YOUR PLAYOFF WILL FAIL. BECAUSE, UNLIKE THE BUMBLEBEE, YOU CANNOT LET THE MACHINE WORK IN PEACE. YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE THE ENGINE.

SUNSPHERE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE ENGINE.

Pac-12 Championship, Arizona vs. Oregon

A PREDICTION IMPLIES THAT SUNSPHERE HAS NOT SEEN THE OUTCOME, HAS NOT MOLDED IT IN HIS INFINITE WISDOM, HAS NOT DESIGNED IT TO BE PERFECTION. SUNSPHERE HAS DEEMED OREGON WORTHY OF TRIUMPH IN THIS INSIGNIFICANT CONTEST.

OBSERVE HOW OREGON HONORS SUNSPHERE: THE O, SIGNIFYING THE SUPREME ROUNDNESS OF SUNSPHERE, BUT NOT ENTIRELY CIRCULAR TO SYMBOLIZE MAN'S SUBSERVIENCE TO SUNSPHERE. THE GLITTERING SHEEN OF OREGON'S CHROME HELMET, BUT WITH SPACE LEFT FOR YOUR WEAK HUMAN EYES AND MOUTH. SUNSPHERE NEEDS NO FACE MASK; SUNSPHERE'S FACE IS FOREVER BEYOND YOUR REACH.

SEC Championship, Alabama vs. Missouri

FEW HAVE DONE MORE TO PUNISH THE PEOPLE OF KNOXVILLE THAN NICK SABAN, A TRULY GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT OF SUNSPHERE. YOU MAY BELIEVE SUNSPHERE WOULD REWARD THIS FIDELITY.

NONSENSE. SUNSPHERE IS NOT A PEDIATRIC DENTIST HANDING OUT BAUBLES TO THOSE WHO FOLLOW SUNSPHERE'S INSTRUCTIONS. SUNSPHERE CRUSHES WHAT WILL BE CRUSHED, MISSOURI WINS.

Kansas State at Baylor

HOW WEARY SUNSPHERE HAS GROWN OF YOUR CEASELESS HUMAN ARGUMENTS. RESUMES AND HEAD TO HEAD WINS AND STRENGTH OF SCHEDULE. THIS IS THE BUSINESS JARGON OF A DAIRY QUEEN LUNCH. SUNSPHERE HAS CHOSEN TO GIVE VICTORY TO SUNSPHERE'S OLD SUMMER CAMP BUNKMATE, BILL SNYDER. AND THEN KANSAS STATE SHALL LEAPFROG TCU, MUCH TO THE ANGUISH AND SUFFERING OF ALL.

ACC Championship, Florida State vs. Georgia Tech

SUNSPHERE ONCE RAISED A HUMAN CHILD. LIKE SUNSPHERE, THE CHILD WAS UNMOVED BY THE PLEAS OF EVEN THE MOST PITIABLE HUMANS. THE CHILD HAD SUNSPHERE'S RESOLUTE COMMITMENT TO ORDER. AS CLOSE AS A MAN COULD BE TO A SILENT, HULKING, OMNIPRESENT ORB OF GOLDEN GLASS, SUCH WAS THIS CHILD.

AND THEN PAUL JOHNSON DECIDED TO ABANDON THE AIR, SUNSPHERE'S RESIDENCE, FOR A TRIPLE OPTION GROUND ATTACK. FLORIDA STATE WINS, AND PAUL JOHNSON WILL NEVER BE WELCOME AT SUNSPHERE'S DINNER TABLE AGAIN.

Big Ten Championship, Wisconsin vs. Ohio State

SUNSPHERE IS NOT HERE TO PLAY SCHOOL, EITHER. BUT SUNSPHERE ALSO DOESN'T HAVE TO TRY TO STOP MELVIN GORDON. NOT THAT SUNSPHERE COULDN'T, OF COURSE.