THINGS THE FIESTA BOWL OFFICIALS NEVER BOUGHT

Car payments, strip club visits, hormone therapy, a wedding - at its height, the Fiesta Bowl Corruption Buffet was like a Tampa businessman's fever dream. But what about all the cool shit John Junker and his buddies didn't buy and pass off as legitimate bowl expenses on the most threadbare of pretenses? The temptation must have been overwhelming - but they cared about doing things the right way. And that's why the Fiesta Bowl never paid for:

- a caviar replica of Michelangelo's Pietà

- every piece of furniture from the set of Beetlejuice

- Comrade Pickles, a Russian chimpanzee cosmonaut trained to play bass guitar

- afternoon of badminton with Philip Bailey

- the 2022 World Cup

- a Voltron

- your cousin's graduation party

- the one where you puked on the veranda

- don't act like it didn't happen, we all remember it

- production of Alejandro Jodorowsky's planned film version of "Dune"

See? Positively austere, by comparison! Though I'd rather they'd funded the Dune project instead of wasting all that money on country club memberships.

Oh, right, the game. Boise State and Arizona, for all the Russian chimpanzee cosmonauts.