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THE UNDERCARD ARRIVES: NEW YEAR'S EVE

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ALL HAIL PERCOCET

Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports

WELL HELLO FROM PROMETHAZINE LAND. If the Percocet don't get you, the anti-nausea meds will, and that is not an exaggeration. Writing on painkillers and promethazine feels like every DJ Screw tape, which in translation equals "totally fucking fantastic." We encourage it if you happen to be laid up on the couch with a face full of holes where teeth once stood.

Oh and look, a New Year's Eve surprise visit from the coaching staff fairy:

Yay! That's almost as good as these instant mashed potatoes, which really are about as good as the real thing when you stuff them full of garlic, butter, and salt. That's really true of any food, but this is about the food you have for your gummed-up, gauze-leaking face hole like the one we have at the moment. Shuttle foods are the best, especially when you're committed to a gummy, no-chew diet for a few days.

Anyway, this is how we're doing the bowls for a bit, barring serious diversions into actual point-by-point content. Relax, ignore your calls, and just hang out in the comment section waiting for a football player to slap another in the balls. The first up is the Peach Bowl, restored to its original nominal greatness, and featuring several things you'll want to see:

  • Dr. Bo's last unlicensed operation
  • TCU playing a team that can play defense
  • Ole Miss playing at all, a forever unpredictable thing
  • TCU's offense, which got "real as shit" this offseason
  • The sideline preening and huffing of one Gary Patterson, Ryan's real biological father

All that happening in one game AND this ice cream in our bowl? Happy New Year's Eve to us, and we suppose to you, too.