clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

SUBSTITUTES FOR JIM MCELWAIN'S BUYOUT

New, 1081 comments

FLORIDA OWES COLORADO STATE 7.5 MIL OF SOMETHING. HERE'S HOW TO PAY IT.

1. 12 guaranteed transfers of players who get arrested for bringing lit fireworks into a grocery store. "Surely that won't happen more than twice," you protest. Oh, son. It's Florida. We make bad decisions by the gross.

2. Florida will send someone to cut your lawn every week for the price of $20 a cut for the next 375,000 weeks…FOR FREE. (Don't worry, Ron Zook brings his own iced tea and won't ask to use your bathroom.)

3. The City of Waldo, and then $7 million US.

4. $7.5 million in Stittcoin, recognized as legal tender in the city of Golden, Colorado and on some corners of college football Twitter.

5. Whatever's in this box Ed Orgeron sent us last Christmas. It smells terrible and it is definitely alive.

6. "The Storm on the Sea of Galilee" by Rembrandt. Nobody's ever asked what Steve Spurrier did the offseason before he took the Florida job, because nobody wants to know.

7. A road game for Florida in Denver against Colorado State, west of the Mississippi and AHAAHAHAAHAHAAA NOPE--

8. Respect, because it's priceless.

9. Seven and a half Bun B clones, working on the basis of his "Million Dollar Mack Theory" of personal valuation from "International Players Anthem (I Choose You)".

10. $ 7.5 million, payable by check or wire transfer to Colorado State University. That'd probably be easiest and most effective, actually. We should probably just do that.