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PAUL JOHNSON TAKES QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ACC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

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HE'LL KILL YOU ALL IF HE HAS TO

Brett Davis-USA TODAY Sports

Q: Coach, how do you feel about your team's general health going into the ACC Championship with Florida State?

A: They've got it. That's what I'll say.

Q: Is it good or could it stand improvement at this point, is what I'm asking?

A: It's there. It'll be there Saturday.

Q: Where, coach?

A: Charlotte. I don't have to tell you where the game is.

Q: No, you don't, Coach.

A: I know that. I'm not asking. I'm telling you. You can find out where the game is yourself. I'm not a map.

Q: Never said you were a map, coach.

A: Yes you did. You see Burlap Skank, North Carolina anywhere on my face? The place where my uncle drank transmission fluid to cure his diabetes?

Q: Did that work?

A: Yup. Not that it's any of your business. But it's like our offense. No one believes in it but it works all the same. Haven't changed a thing here and they won't change a thing up in Burlap Skank, neither.

Q: How did it work?

A: He died. Solved the problem.

Q: Coach Johnson--

A: Just call me Paul.

Q: Paul--

A: I'd prefer Coach, if you would.

Q: Okay Coach--

A: You got a question?

Q: I'm trying--

A: We're all trying. Plenty try. Not many do. Just an observation. You might wanna try harder.

Q: You won't let me finish--

A: No one "lets" anyone finish. You think Florida State's gonna just let us finish? You think Georgia was just gonna let us finish? You think someone just lets you rob a feed store?

Q: No, Coach, I--

A: It's Paul. PAUL. You're not a child. The way you rob a feed store isn't with kindness. You count the number of cashiers. You wait until just after lunch, because everyone's sleepy and they haven't made the day's deposits yet. Get lucky and maybe they didn't get yesterday's in, because Luther's just sloppy like that and doesn't think someone's been watching him from the parking lot of the Citgo across the street all day. You do it unarmed but holding a knife. Remember: guns make 'em run, but knives take lives.

[silence]

Q: What do you think the big challenge for the defense will be going up against Jameis Winston?

A: Same as every other game we play.

Q: And that is?

A: What defenses do.

Q: Doesn't Jameis Winston present a unique challenge?

A: I don't know. We haven't played him yet. Ask me afterwards.

Q: But you've watched tape of them.

A: How do you know what I'm watching?

Q: ...

A: You in my house? Watching what I do? You want to watch me? What kind of sick--

Q: That's not what this question is about.

A: Don't cut me off. You wanna come and watch me in my house you try it. I'll kill the first man who walks into my house.

Q: Coach, I don't think that's--

A: IT'S PAUL YOU CRAPSNACK POSSUMHUMPER. I'll pin him to the wall with a frog gig and skin him with a vegetable peeler. I'll roundhouse kick his dick until it spins like a compass and points him toward the wall I throw him through. Then I'll send the bastard a bill for the drywall. I will make you hurt if you're watching me in the privacy of my home even if it teaches you how to please a woman for the first time in your life.

[silence]

Y'all got any other questions?

Q: About the Georgia game.

A: What game? That's in the past. The past is a lie your mind tells you to quiet death whispering into the mind's ear. Anything else?

Q: No, we're good, coach

A: I'll kill you all. Go Jackets.