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THE PERILS OF HAVING A COACH

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OUR RECRUITING CLASS IS THIIIIIIIIIIS BIG

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

It's so good to not be Michigan, because Michigan fans have another week until Jim Harbaugh is their coach or not. In the interim, Michigan fans will discover the miracles of time dilation, i.e. the principle governing all human experience that dictates that fun times will pass with the blip of the fast-forward button, and that unenjoyable, tedious experiences will take approximately fourteen times as long as normal ones.

The current adjusted rate for Michigan time to regular time is now something like this:

Michigan Time

That's also a graph for the dollar against the ruble over the past year, which is an inaccurate comparison because it compares the unit of value for a volatile, once great empire against shit nevermind

There's one good thing about having a coach, and that's having one. Then again, in the month of December there's also the downside of asking this: "What is he doing?" He's the coach at Florida, so he's...he's probably recruiting, right? That's probably what he's doing. He's probably out there recruiting. Maybe eating a turkey wrap in between stops. Coaches love turkey wraps. Predictable, steady execution with low fat and a definite calorie count. Maybe a cookie every day or two? Let the man have a cookie, he's got a hard job and a long way to---

FloridaRecruiting

--PUT THE FUCKING COOKIE DOWN MCELWAIN. THROW THE TURKEY WRAP INTO THE NEAREST DUMPSTER AND THEN GO GET IT AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT GO GET OUR RECRUITING CLASS IS BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE WILL MUSCHAMP LEFT IT. HE LEFT IT IN A DUMPSTER BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS A BANK BECAUSE IN THE FLATCRAP CLETUS WORLD WHERE MUSCHAMP IS FROM EVERY IMPORTANT PUBLIC BUILDING LOOKS LIKE AND IS A DUMPSTER AND and

Whoa, whoa hold on, it's just December 22nd. This isn't over yet. There's still plenty of time, and he's working hard, and this is just the usual insanity settling in early. No new coach has any real results until Signing Day, and even then you have to remember that he's just bought the groceries, and could still set the whole kitchen on fire while trying to make the meal. It's all so early, and inconclusive, and in McElwain's case coming from a point so far behind standing coaches.

We mean, for comparison, just zoom out a little bit and look who's below Florida.

MichiganFloridaRecruiting

ON SECOND THOUGHT, CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED AND ALL TURKEY WRAPS WITHELD UNTIL FUTURE NOTICE. ONLY 948 HOURS UNTIL NEXT MONDAY, MICHIGAN.