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THIS IS WHY I'M SITTING IN YOUR BEDROOM, JIM HARBAUGH

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FRIENDS CARE, JIM. FRIENDS CARE A LOT.

Jim!

Jim.

Can I call you Jim?

Of course I can, we've been friends for years.

Which is why me breaking into your home and barricading myself in your palatial (I assume it's palatial, you seem like the "palatial" kind of guy) bedroom is totally fine with you.

I'm pretty great, Jim, and I think you are, too.

Which is why right after I climbed through this second-floor window I've forced open using a crowbar, I was sure to wipe off the windowsill.

I sprayed down the window, too. With Windex. No streaks for my good friend Jim Harbaugh.

I've already made sure to cover my shoes because I'm sure these carpets were very expensive, and a real friend doesn't track mud in when they break into their ol' pal's house.

And I'm a real friend, Jim.

Jim, do you like steak?

Seared just right, juicy, tender steak?

I like steak too, Jim. I made us one each. With a pat of herb butter right on top, Jim.

That's just the kind of person I am.

Is this your juicer, Jim?

I bet it is. I'll make us some juice.

Ginger, spinach, apple, carrot.

And I'll clean out the juicer right after I'm done.

None of that "waiting around until the juice embeds itself in every fucking crevice" shit.

Oh no. Not for you, Jim.

Friend.

I'm great with kids, too. Which is important to a family man such as yourself. Family is so important. Biological family, the college-you-may-have-attended family, all sorts of family.

Jim, I'm sure you've been hearing a lot from some Michigan fans who aren't as friendly as I am.

I'm sure they've been hassling you about this and that, some coaching position or another.

But that's not how our friendship works, Jim.

Our friendship is based on honesty.

Forthrightness.

Not taking no for an answer.

Never taking no for an answer.

Waiting until the house is empty, disabling your state-of-the-art home security system using a 15-year-old PalmPilot and a copy of 'Where The Red Fern Grows," climbing the outside of your home, breaking into the most accessible window access point, finding your bedroom and locking myself in.

That's friendship, Jim.

Do you know what friends do, Jim?

They share their deepest thoughts and feelings.

With their friends.

Friends like me.

Do you have anything you'd like to tell me, Jim?

By the way, excellent choice on threadcount, Jim. Your bed is very comfortable.

What's that, Jim?

Why, of course I've locked all the doors from the outside, Jim.

We just need some time to talk.

About what?

Oh, anything you'd like to discuss.

Like, say, job opportunities.

Your future is so important to me, Jim. I don't just break into anyone's house. Just my good friends whose futures are so very very very very very important to me.

You know, some people are saying that you might not tell the public about any big decisions you may be making until the end of December!

But those people aren't your very good friends, Jim.

Those people aren't in your bedroom right now, Jim.

Those people aren't me, Jim.

Do you see what I'm saying, Jim?

Do you?