THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/17/2014

RUN THE JEWELS 3. KILLER TRESS AND BO-P GONNA DO THE DAMN THING. I expect Youngstown State waits one, maybe two days before they start calling Nebraska about getting on the non-conference schedule. The calls will continue without end until Nebraska accepts this challenge. (And don't try just disconnecting the phone. That's how you get Bo Pelini trying to mail himself in a package to your office.)

THE HOTTEST TICKET IN YPSILANTI. Attendance is up up up at Eastern Michigan, because who wouldn't want to see a 2-10 team that lost to Old Dominion wait no this is all totally fabricated isn't it. You can tell because it suggests people go to FIU games.

GARY PAIDERSON. TCU gave their head coach a contract extension just weeks before he heads to Atlanta for the Peach Bowl, and you know what that means: he's gonna buy two of the Georgia Aquarium's beluga whales.

WHO'S READY FOR HELMETS WITH FEATHERS. Adidas is going to do things to Miami's uniforms the likes of which we have never seen before. It'll be like Art Basel and the Backstreet Boys got thrown into the teleporters from "The Fly." Will they lose at home to, I don't know, Syracuse or something wearing these terrible uniforms? Yes. Yes they will.

GREG WARD JUNIOR'S GONNA WRECK YOU ON TURN THREE. Martin Rickman has the definitive ranking of 2014 quarterbacks as NASCAR names and you know damn well Wes Lunt's getting a chewing tobacco sponsorship.

ETC. This is why I'm only getting you all e-cards. Everyone loves going to Grandma's house!