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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/12/2014

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PITT SHOULD HIRE SOMEONE THEY LIKE, LIKE DAVE WANNSTEDT

HAIL TO PITT. Thirty percent of all men in Pittsburgh look like this.

Pitt used to have a football coach that looked like that, too. He was perfect and had a mustache and was nine feet tall and had not changed his hairstyle since 1987. And after he won nine games a lot, they fired him and hired Todd Graham, and then Pitt fell into a trough not even three steady years of Paul Chryst could undo. And now, they're gonna need a new head coach because Wisconsin is reported to be bringing Chryst home, and remember that when bad things happen in college football everything flows down the drains and into Pitt's kitchen.

HE'S BORING FOR A PURPOSE. Marcus Mariota, who will probably win the Heisman Trophy this year, isn't necessarily the most compelling personality for profiles due to him having a resting pulse rate somewhere in the low 30s.

Then, in a spectacular setting -- Helfrich remembers Diamondhead glowing the background, blue skies and balmy weather -- he watched Mariota throw. It took approximately five minutes for him to call head coach Chip Kelly with an assessment. "

This guy’s unbelievable!" Helfrich said.

"Offer him," Kelly replied.

"Shortest evaluation conversation of all time," Helfrich says now.

We're guessing Chip Kelly has never spent longer than fifteen minutes shopping for anything, ever.

IT'S A SPORT FOR AMATEURS. The ratings for college football this year were higher than they have ever been before for ESPN, which is important because live sports are the only thing people watch on TV anymore, and also because we don't take that money and share it with the people who make it in the first place. The fun fact not in that report: in year one, per internal numbers, the SEC Network is the third most-watched network in the entire ESPN family.

SPEAKING OF THAT. Ooh, look! TV's about to die, too.

WHEN SOMEONE HAS A BETTER PLAN JUST DON'T MAKE ONE AT ALL. The only way anyone besides Auburn has beaten Alabama is by throwing on them and busting out no fewer than five or six total garbageball backyard football plays against them, so Ohio State should just let Cardale Jones diagram button hooks on his palms when the Buckeyes face Alabama. At least that's as good a plan as anyone besides Gus Malzahn's had, at least.

YOU HAVE THE TIME YOU HAVE. And what you do with it matters, even in something as silly as football. Go Bucks.

ETC: WE ARE ALL GOING TO THIS PARTY.