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I AM ASSUMING POWER. The EDSBS Constitution, a secret but very binding document that controls everything we do to the most minute detail, provides for the transition of responsibility in the event that one of us is incapacitated. Today, we invoked that clause:

Accordingly, I will be taking the role of master and commander of EDSBS until such time as Fearless Leader can return. I plan to abuse this power heartily.

OH ALSO THAT HAPPENED. The two schools at the top of Big Ten West win column will now start 2015 with a new coach because Gary Andersen decided it was time to go to Oregon State for some reason? I'm sure Barry Alvarez knows what he's doing. Barry Alvarez is your interim mom now, and he's making toaster strudel for dinner. You'll be fine. Stop whining.

GO HOME, PAUL CHRYST. That means Wisconsin now gets to conduct a totally unexpected coaching search, and the list of potential names is, well, not super exciting. You'll hear more about this in the Shutdown Fullcast that's posted later today, but I propose the Badgers release Paul Chryst from his joyless marriage to a comatose Pitt.

IN THE WORDS OF PRESIDENT DEMPSEY. Never tread. Do not even consider treading. The cost-benefit analysis of treading has been run hundreds of times, and the answer is always the same: treading should be avoided.

DO NOT WATCH THE RUSSELL ATHLETIC BOWL. Unless you are okay with watching Cole Stoudt do Cole Stoudt things for three hours. (You should not be okay with this.) Although it would be extremely hilarious to watch Bob Stoops lose his mind as his team loses to Cole Stoudt.

ETC. John Hodgman is our nation's greatest jurist. What makes Florida so Florida is that it does Florida shit without even trying.