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YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO WORK FOR LES MILES

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THE HAT HOLDS OUT HIS HANDS TO SHOW YOU HOW WIDE HIS MONEY IS

Crystal LoGiudice-USA TODAY Sports

USA Today has done a head coaches database for a while now, but the assistants one is where the real candy is. For instance: did you know that Chuck Amato is not only alive, but also likely makes more money than you as an assistant at Akron? He's pulling down $199K in a place with a cost of living of practically zero; assume his house is swamped in sunglasses, red shoes, and freshly spent chest expanders.

There's so much more:

  • The low man on the salary pole at LSU still makes $310K a year. Cam Cameron, the offensive coordinator, is paid $1.3 million; so is defensive coordinator John Chavis. LSU's staff is the most expensive in the nation, and that's why Les Miles is the greatest boss ever and you should carrier pigeon your resume to him immediately. (Les Miles only accepts correspondence via carrier pigeon or pinned to the wall with a throwing knife.)
  • If you can't get on an Alabama, LSU, or an Ohio State type payroll, considering sneaking onto the Virginia Tech coaching roster. Have you tried faking blood ties to Bud Foster or Frank Beamer? It would be worth it, even with the risk of being thrown down a mine shaft when you're inevitably exposed. (And you're gonna be exposed and thrown down a mine shaft.) VT's shockingly high on the overall list with the 8th priciest staff in the nation.
  • Florida's total staff payroll was good for 8th in the SEC. Will Muschamp was a bad time, but he was a cheap bad time. (Kurt Roper still got that $700K, though, and that's as part of a three year deal guaranteed.)
  • If the Mississippi schools doing as well as they did this year isn't shocking to you, go back and revise that opinion by looking at the total payrolls of their coaches.
  • 17 of the top 100 highest paid assistants came from the Big Ten. By comparison: 38 came from the SEC, 14 from the ACC, 13 for the Big 12, and 18 for the Pac-12. So you can say "the Big Ten doesn't pay their assistants like the SEC," and you would be right. You may also say "no one pays their assistants like the SEC," because that's more accurate without just picking on the Big Ten. (There are so many better things to pick on . Other conferences have a habit of rolling around nickels like hubcaps, too.
  • The Zombie Big East, the AAC, has zero assistant salaries in the top 100.

In conclusion:

JeffBowdenGenius