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"No one has made any contact with anyone, even third parties, in this coaching search."

We talked with them directly after some initial contact with their agent.

"I'm very happy where I am, and look forward to building [PROGRAM X] for the future."

My defensive assistants all just got new pools because I just got them all raises.

"We are looking for someone with NFL experience."

We have no idea what we are doing, and have given up completely.

"We are very excited to welcome Coach Smith."

Coach Smith was our fourth choice.

"When someone said we needed a new coach, the first name I thought of was Coach Smith."

Coach Smith was definitely our fourth choice.

"I won't speculate about jobs elsewhere. I'm focused on getting this team ready for the bowl game."

The Athletic Director's going to give me a raise in three days.

"There's no truth to the rumor we have a frontrunner."

Our frontrunner is currently in negotiations and we're running to our boosters to get more money. His ex-wife has an incredible attorney.

"That's completely unfounded."

Dammit, is Barry running his mouth at the gym again? Fucking Barry. Just do your useless 20 minutes on the elliptical and go home.

"I have no comment on that or any other rumor."

What you said is basically accurate and I am going to fire my entire blabbing-ass staff immediately after this press conference.

"We're looking for someone who's going to represent the university well."

If we don't make a conference championship in the next four years, I will be drawn and quartered. It'll probably be sponsored.

"This is a special job for a special person."

You are competing against the ghost of your forebears and will be fired in three years.

"I'm confident he's the man to take this program to the next level."

Look, I know I said that about the last guy. All I'm doing here is guessing. Hiring a coach is just like playing a scratch-off game, except you act like you won no matter what.

"We know fans are impatient, but letting the process play out and picking the right person for our program no matter the timeline is the most important thing for this program."

We are going to end up hiring Houston Nutt.