THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/10/2014

CANCEL THIS SHOW ALREADY. Most, but not all, great American sitcoms have a will-they-won't-they pair somewhere near the show's center. When it's done well, that relationship can humanize the characters while it provides solid comedic fodder. When it isn't, things drag out too long before they end with an overly saccharine wedding episode or one character leaving the show for good. What I'm saying is Les Miles and Michigan either need to sleep together or move on.

WELCOME TO ANN AARPBOR. The Miles talk follows reports that Michigan offered the job to David Cutcliffe and got turned down. There are plenty of good reasons why Cutcliffe would have declined - he's spent essentially all of his career in the South, he may not want the recruiting and media pressure that comes with the Michigan job - but you're still going to laugh at the Wolverines getting rejected by an old guy in the ACC. (Do not point out that Miles is older than Cutcliffe; Les Miles doesn't obey the rules of time.)

BO PENGUINI. Are you sick of coaching talk yet? Too bad, because Bo Pelini is rumored to be taking the Youngstown State job, unless that's all a bunch of bullshit. You know how crazy the Youngstown media can get. Remember that time they said John Stamos was going to get tenure? What a shitshow that turned out to be.

OOOO A MYSTERY. The New York Times tackles the elusive question of "Why Isn't Jameis A Heisman Finalist?" and oh wait I have the answers right here: because he isn't one of the top 15 quarterbacks in completion percentage, yards per passing attempt, touchdowns thrown, interceptions, or quarterback rating.

BOWLING FOR DOLLARS. Oh you damn right Spencer asked Verne Lundquist about America's most rabid televised bloodsport, which was, of course, a ratings monster.

ETC. Of course you would like to read about Purple Rain, because you are a human being with human being needs. It must suck to be on the School Bus Battery Theft Task Force. HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM FLORIDIAN SATAN.