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I could feed this South Carolina team prunes and Miami tapwater and they still wouldn't give a shit.

You can tell Papa John's put money into Louisville football because it only shows up in the first thirty minutes.

Not surprised by Louisville losing, though. No one seems to be able to make a complete case against the Noles this year.

Bobby Petrino lost control at the wrong moment? Huh. Imagine.

Ole Miss had an ugly end to the game, but the chorus of "Dixie" isn't "Hey, look at this," is it?

Auburn fans never hit dogs with their cars, they just triumph over wildlife one brave bloodstained bumper at a time.

Must be disappointing for Auburn fans that this luck never shows up in the SAT testing room, though.

If Gus Malzahn farted mustard gas the wind would kick up and blow it into his worst enemy's living room. [sponsored content brought to you by ZAXBY'S.]

That whole mess is why Bill Snyder hasn't done a political ad since the 20s. Never mind what he said about jazz and the Chinese.

Givin' up 48 to Iowa is one way to decline interest in the Michigan job, Pat Fitzgerald.

Mississippi State, the only thing you should be within seven points of Arkansas on is BMI and credit scores.

Shakin' hands was originally a way to prove you didn't have a weapon, so I get why Maryland didn't see the need for Penn State to do it.

Randy Edsall coaching Maryland is like an episode of Chopped that he wins because the other fella just totally forgot an ingredient.

You watch Gary Nova throw and you get why Rutgers fans love "Born To Run."

Randy Edsall is Free Parking.

Our society's becoming more open about gender roles because even Al Golden's wearing Heels out.

Randy Edsall is the default ringtone on your phone.

You get murdered while sporting a Fedora and Sam Spade should come looking for your killer, UNC.

Gonna be real awkward if Frank Beamer doesn't make a bowl this year since his first one's still in the Museum of Natural History.

Tycho Brahe couldn't beat ACC opponents either, Syracuse.

Dave Doeren got his first ACC win, so Syracuse's case for being a non-profit charity is as solid as any football program's. Got the losses to prove it, too.

Y'aint the first to kick your way out of trouble in Morgantown, TCU, though most of the time it's a deputy sheriff's ribs on the other end.

Keep tellin' him it's spelled H-O-R-N-E-D, y'all, but Dana's still gonna giggle no matter what happened in the game.

If Michigan State massacres Ohio State this weekend, just remember that everyone over the age of five on that roster deserved it.

"Turn it over three or four times." -Kevin Sumlin's guide to cooking a steak, and also football.

It's a big win, but the least a Catholic football school should do is contain seamen, Notre Dame.

Wasn't sure Rich Rodriguez was the man for the Florida job, but scoring seven points in a conference game convinced me.

Beatin' Indiana didn't change much for that German fella in Raiders, Michigan.

Well, Mississippi State, I suspect there are a few dozen casino employees who know what it's like to be uncomfortably close to Bret Bielema.

DID YOU KNOW: Every Man A Wildcat started as a motto to get every Kansan vaccinated for feline leukemia.

I know you're happy, Oregon, but Sonny Bono coulda beat the trees if you gave him enough chances.

Pirates lose to Temple sounds like something Kevin Sorbo does for rent.

You try coachin' when Nikki Haley's sending you angry texts about a Butch spendin' the night.

It took 25 years, but Duke's 7-1, Mack Brown's out of coaching, and I owe a gypsy some real money.

Hey, look on the bright side, Rutgers. In golf that's even par.

Your face is on the nickel, Thomas Jefferson, which is why Paul Johnson using a fistful of them to beat UVA to death is funny.

Well, Mark Richt did say he cares about helping troubled former players.

UConn, just know it's not unusual for dogs to kick George O'Leary around.

Bill Snyder's been turnin' transfers into great teams for years now. Who do you think gave Jesus the scouting report on Thaddeus?

Real shame Robert Stack couldn't be here to narrate your inexplicable North Florida death, Georgia.

Call Will Muschamp Bro Chi Minh because he beat a talented foe without an air attack.

They call it the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party because Jeremy Pruitt must have been drunk to keep telling his safeties to watch for the pass.

Real Georgia of you to get lost in traffic on the Perimeter, though.

Gurley wasn't there so I guess this really was a signature loss.

Normally you gotta go to the food kitchen on meatloaf night to see ground handed out like that.

Run through Georgia like that and you'll end up being the President of LSU.

Can't understand how you get beat on that fake field goal though. Publix specifically states the bagger's gonna follow you to your car.

Kelvin Taylor eluded Georgia so often he probably had "math" written on his cleats.

Last time Georgia had a house burnt down like that Andre Rison was standing outside of it.

6 passes and a bunch of runnin. Will Muschamp beat you with a family trip to Disney.

You know who took questions? Roger Goodell, and look where that got him.