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BLATANT HOMERISM: VOLTAIRE AND FIREHORSE DEBATE FLORIDA/GEORGIA

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SOMETIMES YOU NEED A HORSE AND A PHILOSOPHER.

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

After a lengthy absence, Voltaire and FIREHORSE calmly debate the proper way to react to Florida's shocking defeat of Georgia.

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VOLTAIRE: If an ass shall find an apple, we shall call him an ass. If that same ass shall find a brigand's gold in the field whilst looking for an apple, shall we call him Sheriff? If the gambler calls three and rolls that same number on the throw of those ivory harlots that take so many a man away from happy life and wealth, shall we call him a mathematician, or worse an oracle? If we should, in a traveler's distress, take culinary shelter in the replicant restaurant named after the subterranean piss-conduit of the most unfortunate metropole of the colonies...do we then call that Subway a place one could dine reliably?

If one coach, in the act of arraying his pieces in the usual dismal fashion, should bumble into combat against an even less competent man on his worst day, playing his game of chess less one queen, shall we then crown him our new wizard, and send him on to compete in a tournament of the mind against the dons of Oxford? Do we call a lightning strike the act of the universal blacksmith, or simply acknowledge the might and caprice of the atmospheres for what it is?

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FIREHORSE: WHAT THE SHIT WAS THAT? I AM TALKING TO YOU, WORTHLESS SHITHEAP GEORGIA. NOT YOU, FLORIDA. WE'LL TALK TO YOU IN A MINUTE THIS IS ABOUT THE BULLDOGS.

ALL WE NEEDED WAS FOR YOU TO MAKE LIFE EASY AND CLEAR. YOU KNOW HOW THAT IS. YOU WANT THINGS TO BE EASY EVERY NOW AND THEN AND FOR THERE TO BE SIMPLE DIVIDES AND SHIT. LIKE OH, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T GO TO LAW SCHOOL BECAUSE EVERYONE YOU KNOW WHO WENT TO LAW SCHOOL IS MISERABLE EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE GUY WHO'D BE HAPPY IN ALCATRAZ SIPPING TOILET WINE FROM A ZIPLOC BAGGIE AND READING THE SAME POPULAR MECHANICS FROM THE JAILHOUSE LIBRARY. I HATE YOU FOR THAT MIKE. STOP MAKING THINGS COMPLICATED, HAPPY-ASS MIKE WHO'S A LAWYER AND NOT MISERABLE.

WE NEEDED YOUR SORRY ASS TO MAKE IT SIMPLE GEORGIA. WHEN NICK CHUBB GOT A HUNDRED YARDS RUSHING IN LIKE THE FIRST QUARTER AND SLASHED THROUGH THE GATOR DEFENSE LIKE A KNIFE THROUGH BUTTER. SECOND DRIVE: SIX RUNS, THREE PASSES, AND ONE 39 YARD GEORGIA TD RUN. FLORIDA WAS THE COW IN THE CHUTE AND YOU WERE THE DUDE WITH THE BOLT GUN. ONE JOB AND ONE WILLING COW DREAMING OF HAPPY FIELDS. IT WAS THAT SIMPLE

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Voltaire: And yet, if circumstance should grant the condemned the keys to his cell, shall he still not be the same fool who found his way into the gaol? If he should slip into freedom, would the warrant not be on his head even in that illusory freedom? Shall the fugitive, even in saving the child from the river or alerting the village to a burning barn, still not be the fugitive? If the act cancels writ of law and evidence, then why have them at all, and let the burglar free for his good manners at the witness stand?

Does Missouri not exist? This is a serious question asked by the geographers.

Firehorse_medium

FIREHORSE:

THAT WAS ALL WE NEEDED GEORGIA. JUST RUN NICK CHUBB INTO THE GROUND AND DARE US TO STOP IT AND MAKE FIRING WILL MUSCHAMP AN EASY, SIMPLE DECISION LIKE NOT GOING TO LAW SCHOOL AND NOT HAVING KIDS AND NOT BUYING THAT CAR YOU CAN'T AFFORD BUT WANT BECAUSE YOU ARE A CHILD WALKING AROUND IN A MAN'S BODY WITH THAT SAME CHILD'S MATH SKILLS.

AND YOU DIDN'T DO THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE THE WORST, GEORGIA, THE ABSOLUTE WORST AT EVERYTHING. YOU KICKED A FIELD GOAL ON FOURTH AND SHORT WHEN YOU COULD HAVE STEPPED ON OUR NECKS AND ENDED IT. YOU MISSED THAT FIELD GOAL BECAUSE YOU DESERVED TO BECAUSE NO ONE WHO RELIES ON FIELD GOALS EVER DOES MORE THAN MAKE A CAMEO AT THE CLUB SUPER SEX OF FOOTBALL. YOU CAME HALF-HARD TO THE ORGY, GEORGIA. ENJOY THE BUFFET, IT'S GREAT.

THEN THIS HAPPENED.

TO QUOTE EL-P: YOU CAN WALK BACKWARDS THROUGH A FIELD OF DICKS, GEORGIA. THAT'S A KID WHO BAGS GROCERIES AT PUBLIX RUNNING FOR A FIELD GOAL THROUGH TWO OF THE MOST WEAKLY CONTESTED BLOCKS IN THE HISTORY OF FOOTBALL. CLAY BURTON IS TAKING HIS MAN FOR A WALK LIKE IT'S A TANGO AND I'LL BE HONEST IT'S AS EROTIC AS I HOPED THE ARGENTINES SAID IT WAS ESPECIALLY COMING OFF THAT CROSS-FORMATION CRACKBACK BLOCK ON THE FAKE. CLAY BURTON IS TAKING HIM TO BUENOS AIRES AND THEY WILL ENJOY THE FINE WINES OF THE MENDOZA REGION TOGETHER.

AFTER THAT IT WAS JUST FLORIDA BOUNCING EVERY RUN TO THE OUTSIDE FOR HUGE GAINS AND OUR DEFENSE DOING THAT THING WHERE THEY'RE GOOD AND HATE EVERYONE. FLORIDA THREW SIX PASSES. CONGRATULATIONS YOU LOST TO GEORGIA SOUTHERN. YOU'RE NOW FLORIDA. THAT'S THE WORST DAMN THING I CAN SAY ABOUT YOU. YOU LOST TO KNOCKOFF GEORGIA SOUTHERN, GEORGIA. MAYBE YOUR COUSIN WHO DEALT WEED THROUGH COLLEGE AND DROPPED OUT OF STATESBORO TO TEND BAR IN SAVANNAH HAD THE RIGHT IDEA ALL ALONG. YOU BETTER START THINKING THAT. THAT'S YOU NOW.

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Voltaire

But perchance: what if the flight of judgment is indeed too hasty? What shall we consider the tally of our days if we, upon seeing one sunny day, threw galoshes and umbrellas into the fireplace? Should we, in considering the dank present, be unprepared for the labors required to arrive in the future? What should be the exchange rate for happiness: a year of transition into the next state, or the familiar mediocrity which without change shall yield much of the same, barely tolerable results? Condemn the hasty wedding in a moment of reconciliation between two lovers, but all is forgivable when one admits the impossibility of sustained happiness.

To keep the husband and blacksmith Muschamp and take a middling villager's life with the occasional moment of carnival would be deranged; to expect a prince around the corner would be equally deranged, and to see a crown on the head of the nearest gentleman caller who catches the eye. The wayward heart! How it derails the constant brain, which says to follow the trend, and not the outlying bandit of chance who distracts, and steals away reason by the moment!

Firehorse_medium

FIREHORSE:

THAT PART WHERE THE GEORGIA DEFENSE MADE OUR OFFENSIVE LINE LOOK LIKE ALABAMA'S 2012 UNIT WAS PRETTY GREAT TOO. LIKE A GOOD PAIR OF BOXER BRIEFS IT MADE OUR PACKAGES LOOK HUGE AND BIGGER AND BETTER THAN THEY ARE AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU, GEORGIA. GETTING SMALLER IN THE SEC IS ALWAYS A GREAT IDEA ESPECIALLY WHEN THE ONE RESOURCE EVERY SCHOOL HAS IS CHEAP ABUNDANT CALORIES AND BIG FAT GUYS WHO WANT TO PLAY FOOTBALL AND FALL ON PEOPLE ALL DAY.

ALSO YOUR WIDE RECEIVERS WERE WEARING CURLING SHOES.

THE FUCKED UP PART IS HOW CONFLICTED EVERYTHING IS NOW BECAUSE:

YES: IT'S AWESOME TO BEAT GEORGIA AFTER HAVING THE SHITTIEST AND LONGEST RUN OF FOOTBALL EVER ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GET TO DO IT OVER YOUR SECOND TRASHHEAPINGEST RIVALS WHO COME FROM A STATE EVEN MORE DEPLORABLE AND DEPRAVED AND JOBLESS THAN YOUR OWN. TYLER PERRY IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR ECONOMY GEORGIA AND THAT'S NOT EVEN A LIE. IT'S THE TRUTH AND THAT'S THE WORST THING WE CAN SAY IN ANY SITUATION. MARK RICHT IS A FINE MAN AND BETTER THAN WE'LL EVER BE. ONCE OR TWICE A YEAR HE SAYS JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL WITH GAME PLANS AND AS IT TURNS OUT JESUS WAS A CARPENTER WHO COULDN'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH OR DRIVE AND THAT'S HOW YOU END UP WITH A RED AND BLACK FORD F-150 WITH CLARKE COUNTY PLATES FLIPPED IN A DITCH AND A DUDE IN A WHITE ROBE SPEAKING IN ARAMAIC BEING CUFFED INTO THE BACK OF AN ATHENS PD CRUISER BECAUSE "WELL, HE LOOKED ETHNIC, AND WAS WITH GEORGIA FOOTBALL PERSONNEL, SO SOMETHING HAD TO BE GOING ON."

BUT NOW YOU'LL HAVE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO KEEP MUSCHAMP AND THAT'S THE WORST NOT BECAUSE IT'S A HORRIBLE IDEA BUT BECAUSE NOW HE'S LIKABLE AGAIN. HE WAS CRYING AND HE SAID HE WAS THINKING ABOUT HIS DAD AND EVEN IF YOU HATE HIS BRAND OF FOOTBALL--

WHICH WE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

--EVEN IF YOU STILL HAVE TO ADMIT THE MAN CARES AND THAT'S HORRIBLE BECAUSE HE'LL CARE THE DAY WE STILL FIRE HIM. IF WE FIRE HIM NOW. OUR FATE IS IN THE HANDS OF VANDERBILT SOUTH CAROLINA AND FLORIDA STATE. HELLO STRANDED CLIMBER: THIS IS PARK RANGER HUNGRY BEAR. MYSELF AND PARK RANGERS FAULTY RUSSIAN HELICOPTER WITH A FAINT SCENT OF BURNING WIRES AND PARK RANGER TIPSY CLIMBER WITH HEPATITIS ARE EN ROUTE TO RESCUE YOU AND MAKE THIS AN EASY DECISION FOR YOU. WE'LL BE THERE IN...WELL, RESPONSE TIME'S ABOUT A MONTH. HOPE YOU CAN STRETCH TWO TWIZZLERS A POWERBAR AND DRINK YOUR OWN PISS AND WHATEVER RAINWATER YOU CATCH WITH YOUR MOUTH TO STAVE OFF DEHYDRATION.

AND IF WE DON'T FIRE HIM...

Voltaire_medium

The greatest gambit in life is enjoying the present, as it is contradicted by the past, and ruined immediately by the objecting future.

Firehorse_medium

...FUCK.

Voltaire_medium

Indeed! Fuck.