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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 11/03/2014

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MY OFFENSE HITS ME / SO HARD

Nelson Chenault-USA TODAY Sports

THE PAST IS AMAZING. Sure, it's filled with war and pestilence and horrific treatment of anyone outside of the uppermost social castes. But it's also got Gus Malzahn dancing to "U Can't Touch This."

Two immediate questions:

1. Who is Malzahn's buddy in the shades?

2. Would he like the Florida job next year?

WHO IS KILLING THE GREAT LOWER EXTREMITIES OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL? First Connor Halliday, then Laquon Treadwell, then Notre Dame's leading tackler, linebacker Joe Schmidt. We will not stand idly by and let America's leg supply dwindle and yes this is a flimsy excuse to link to this week's episode of Wake Up College Football. (But seriously, get well soon, you three.)

WHERE TOUCHDOWNS ARE A PLEASURE. If you contribute to a Gator victory over Georgia with one of the weirdest successful field goal fakes ever and follow that with a shift at Publix, the state's greatest contribution to society, you automatically become Governor of Florida. Congratulations, Governor McNeely!

P.S. We're aware that Florida is about to hold a gubernatorial election and still feel confident this is the best possible outcome.

P.P.S. You should definitely argue about regional grocery stores in the comments. SOME OF THEM ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS OF THEM SAYS ME.

THINGS ARE AWFUL BUT NOT TOTALLY. Marcus Lattimore is retiring from football after his attempts to return from that brutal knee injury that ended his South Carolina career proved unsuccessful. Selfishly, of course, we are very sorry that we don't get to see Lattimore run roughshod over other large and strong humans anymore, but we hope his retirement is one full of sandwiches with the perfect ratio of toppings to meat.

In happier NFL news, Brad Wing still does ridiculous Brad Wing shit.

ETC. Look at this idiot.

Honestly.