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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 11/26/2014

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MARSHALL RISES

Rob Leifheit-USA TODAY Sports

MARSHALL IS RANKED. Sure, it's below a two loss Boise State team, but they're ranked and that has to mean something! Right? No? Shit. At least we can laugh at other parts of the Playoff Committee rankings, like how winning on the road against West Virginia did nothing for Kansas State while beating Tennessee gave Missouri a three spot bump. Also UCLA is the number 8 team which, well, sure, if you say so.

ALL REFS ARE AWFUL. Pac-12 refs are just awful in a way that's much more interesting and requires the conference to publicly acknowledge that they fucked up on multiple overturned touchdowns. One day, perhaps soon, a Pac-12 official is going to throw a water balloon at a receiver right as he's trying to make a catch and then scream "THUG LIFE!"

THIS WILL GO GREAT. Basically everyone who's ever played defense for Notre Dame this season is injured, which means one of two things will happen. Possibility one: Notre Dame wins, and USC fans are whipped into an absolute frenzy because they just lost to the second string, leading to OOO DACOACHO GUNNASAHN DISSAHEAH LIFETAHM CONTRAK. Possibility two: USC wins, and Notre Dame fans suggest that Brian Kelly needs to be fired because he lacks the medical skills necessary for the job. A real Notre Dame coach knows where the body armor here and doesn't rely on gimmicky remote mines to win.

NO FIGHTIN. Urban Meyer has informed his players that they will be subject to severe discipline if they get into any fights in this year's Michigan game. You will note that he made no such statements regarding Buckeyes committing identity fraud against their opponents and ruining their credit scores.

TROPHY TIME IS NEAR. Clearly Jameis Winston isn't a finalist for any of these awards because the media refuses to acknowledge that he's thrown the 13 winningest and leadershippy and adversityovercomingest interceptions of any quarterback this season. H A T E R S.

ETC. Y'all out here worried about dolphins and sharks and orcas when seals are the real killers. And also Putin's secret army of tigers.