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THANKFUL-ASS SPURRIER

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HIS FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR, SINCE HE ENJOYS SLICIN TURKEYS UP

I'm thankful that Mark Richt gives away two wins a year even though there's no tax benefit to him.

I'm thankful that Will Muschamp wasn't at Auburn, because nobody finishes there within four years.

I'm thankful that Tennessee shows commitment to all its sports by only finishing with football records that could also be a basketball player's height.

I'm thankful that Dabo's not cooking this holiday. Can't stuff a bird once in five tries.

Don't be so proud, Arkansas. The 21st century shut out Mississippi, too.

Nobody else wants to buy a ticket to the ACC Championship Game, so why criticize Duke?

Well the Huskers don't play in Wincown, now do they?

Call Bo Pelini the school bus cause he's coming in around 9 and 4.

That's one way to get Tim Beckman to stop trying to swipe your players, Penn State.

Frank Beamer was so happy nobody scored you'd think he was on Maury.

Will Muschamp is the grocery store cranberry sauce of head coaches: blotchy red, mediocre, and canned.

Melvin Gordon's record got broken so quick you'd think it was a Jackson 5 LP at Lou Holtz's house.

Losing to Art by 21 points IS real Oklahoma of you, Cowboys.

Lotta Notre Dame fans don't like that Brian Kelly made Malik Zaire the holder on field goals, but I'm sure Coach Kelly wouldn't put a kid in a bad position like that for no reason.

Rutgers really is like an NFL program, which is why they kicked a field goal down 35-0 in the third quarter.

If Iowa fans ran NASA, they'd say the Challenger was right in it until the end.

You're always bowl eligible at Chipotle, Brady Hoke.

Dabo's favorite part about Thanksgiving? Probably when the Pilgrims landed on Howard's Rock.

The refs took three Cal touchdowns off the board, so they're automatically the first choice to run the defense for Sonny Dykes.

0-2 against Rutgers and Maryland? Must be teaching the Glorious Revolution this semester at Michigan.

Minnesota's out here putting people to sleep like they're Prairie Home Companion.

"I'm Jerry Kill, and this is the latest from Lake Bobegone."

"Bleeding Kansas" seems redundant at this point.

I assume there's no pie at Steve Sarkisian's Thanksgiving since that's a second half thing.

Thought Bo Pelini learned his lesson from that one time in New Orleans. Guess not.

Texas plays on Thanksgiving because it's a holiday focused on excess and regret.

LSU plays on Thanksgiving because stuffing a turkey's just smuggler training.

Texas A&M plays on Thanksgiving because it's a holiday that starts strong but falls asleep in the fourth quarter.

TCU plays on Thanksgiving because Bob Bowlsby knew West Virginia couldn't behave at the kids table.

Relyin' on Missouri didn't work out so good for Georgia in 1820.

Gary Pinkel's driving this SEC East Championship picture, if you ever wanted to see an air bag deploy in real life.

My favorite holiday tradition? Probably Obama pardoning Frank Beamer because he's a turkey, and also because he blew up the water filtration back in '87 for puttin' commie sauce in his water.

Triple option doesn't work against Georgia because those fans are used to bitchin' about the Dawgs/Braves/Falcons.

Ohio State covers up the M's on their campus for the big game against Michigan, but the Wolverines already beat 'em to that. Been without an O for months.

That jump into Mirror Lake seems fun, though. That's one more bath than most Ohioans get in a year.

They call it the Apple Cup because even God's warning you not to watch one bite of it.

Bet y'all didn't know that Egg Bowl also fulfills Mississippi's sex ed requirement.

Bet y'all also didn't know that a road game in Berkeley qualifies as a mission trip for BYU.

You say all you want to about health, I still get a tear in my eye watching the winners of Minnesota/Wisconsin smoke the ceremonial Last Carton Of WW2 Surplus Lucky Strikes after the game.

Move over, Samaji Perine. Running back Bill Snyder's got eligibility left, a leather helmet, and Kansas on the schedule this week. CENTRUM SILVER RIGHT! CENTRUM SILVER RIGHT! HUT!

Will Muschamp's game plan is slow, plodding, and doesn't get results, so even if he doesn't beat Florida State he'll get a commendation from TPD.

Appropriate that Kirk Ferentz coaches on the day after Thanksgiving, since he's the leftovers you won't get rid of when you should.

Stonewall Jackson didn't finish the season strong either, Ole Miss.