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HAMLET: THE PAUL FINEBAUM ALTERNACAST

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IF YOU'RE GONNA RUN THE IRON BOWL WITH LIVE CALLER COMMENTARY, WHY LIMIT IT TO FOOTBALL GAMES, SEC NETWORK?

John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

Seriously, if we're going to do this, we have to open up the possibilities SEC Network.

SCENE: The ghost of King Hamlet appears on the parapets of the castle.

Paul Finebaum: We'll go to Colin in Mobile. Hello Colin.

Colin: Hey Paul, first time caller, long time listener. I just wanna say this about Denmark. I think they're getting disrespected here. That's a good defensive team. They gotta recruit against Germany, Norway, Sweden, and probably whatever trash the Spanish Netherlands send through there.

Paul: Um hmm.

Colin: They're the Mississippi State of the region. Also this ghost. Elsinore's got one and Bryant-Denny doesn't? I don't wanna tell Coach Saban how to run his business, but if the Bear showed up to tell me to commit to Bama, I'd listen. Just sayin'. Ain't nothing Denmark can do that Bama cain't. I'll hang up and listen.

Paul. Yes. Thank you Colin.

SCENE: Claudius makes the following admonishment to Hamlet still grieving about his father:

'Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet,

To give these mourning duties to your father:

But, you must know, your father lost a father;

That father lost, lost his, and the survivor bound

In filial obligation for some term

To do obsequious sorrow: but to persever

In obstinate condolement is a course

Of impious stubbornness; 'tis unmanly grief;

Paul: We go to...Ed, in Defuniak Springs. Welcome to the show, Ed.

Ed: Hey Paul, I just wanna say that Claudius is pretty spot-on here. Hamlet's like a head coach here. He just had his coach die on him, sure. But this is about the program. He's gotta man up here and think about the team.

Paul: Ed, he just lost his dad. I mean, doesn't the man--

Ed: Paul this ain't about him! This is about the team and he's gotta be the captain. He's actin' like Urban Meyer after Saban beat his ass in Atlanta and you saw how that worked out. Both ah them didn't deal with a murderer and look how that worked out for both of them, Paul.

SCENE: The King's ghost tells Hamlet to avenge him.

Paul: Next up we have...Derek! Derek from Hoover, you're on the Finebaum Show.

Derek: Paul I'm so mad you haven't talked about Auburn once yet in all this. I know you're out making love faces with Saban in a rowboat somewhere. Aren't you?

Paul: Derek, we're watching Hamlet and taking questions. What's this got to do with Hamlet?

Derek: IT'S GOT EVERYTHING TO DO WITH AUBURN. Taking orders from a ghost? That's Bama, y'all always talking about the Bear, and what he'd do. And he says you gotta avenge Bama, so they do. And who's on the throne?

Paul: Claudius?

Derek: That's right. Claudius is Auburn cause he's taking care of business. He mighta got there by bending a few rules but he's got Norway in check, and he's making his lady happy.

Paul: Derek, he committed murder--

Derek: WINNERS AREN'T RACING WITHOUT DOING A LITTLE BIT OF RUBBIN', PAUL. Claudius ain't freaking out about every little thing like you Bammers do. He's just about getting things done. And then here comes Hamletbama, just hemming and hawing and not getting it done. And what happens in the end?

Paul: You tell me, Derek.

Derek: He kills everyone including his own dumb ass while Fortinbras stands outside with his dang army. You know who that is here?

Paul: I can't possibly imagine, Derek.

Derek: That's Florida State. Now Jimbo gets all of our stuff including our recruits. You happy now, Bama? You done taking orders from ghosts and gettin' everyone killed along the way? That's how Florida State wins things, Paul! I'm gone.

Paul: Thank you Derek.

SCENE: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern enter

Paul: Let's bring on...Danny from Maryville.

Danny: I just wanna know: how does Shakespeare keep givin' the ball to all these characters without losing the plot? And if you find out, can you tell Lane Kiffin, since he only likes throwing the ball to Amari Cooper? That's all, Paul, Roll Tide.

Paul: I'll see what I can do, Danny.

SCENE: Hamlet stabs Polonius, hiding behind a rug in his mother's chambers.

Paul: Hello, Tom from Baton Rouge, you're on with the Finebaum show.

Tom: Just wanted to say that's a hell of an interception by Polonius there. Sometimes you just gotta be in the right place at the right time, and he's Johnny on the spot in this play. Love the show, Paul, keep on doin' what you do.

Paul: Thanks, Tom.

SCENE: Hamlet talks to Yorick's skull by the graveside.

Paul: And to...Nate from Pensacola, Nate you had something to say about motivational tactics.

Nate: Yes, yes I did, Paul. I just wanna say this. You ready?

Paul: Yes, Nate, I believe I am.

Nate: If that skull's Bo Schembechler's, I believe Hamlet just nailed down that Michigan opening.

Paul: Thank you, Nate.

SCENE: Hamlet faces off in a duel of poisoned swords with Laertes

Paul: We have Steve from Cullman on the line, Steve welcome to the Finebaum show.

Steve: Paul this makes me sick. This is Les Miles clock management on Hamlet's part. And another thing: Why we messin' around with poison here? You got a sword, use the sword. This coaching staff needs to stop thinking too much and RUN THE DAMN SWORD.

Paul: How do you even--

Steve: RUN THE DAMN SWORD, PAUL. THAT AND DEFENSE WINS GAMES. HAMLET'S THE DAMN WASHINGTON STATE OF PROTAGONISTS AND THAT WON'T CUT IT IN SCANDINAVIAN ROYAL POLITICS OR THE SEC. Roll damn Tide.

[/hangs up]