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FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW: UNC AT DUKE

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THE ONLY PREVIEW WHERE YOU GET A MEANINGLESS VOTE

Joel Auerbach/Getty Images

The Factor Five Five Factor Preview is a statistically illiterate and arbitrarily weighed preview posted too late in the day to be of any real worth to anyone. Here it is anyway.

NEBULOUS STATISTICAL COMPARISONS OF DUBIOUS VALIDITY

JeopardyUNCdefensebooty

[beeeeeeep]

"What are the only defenses worse than UNC in the category of total defense, which while faulty as a metric overall still provides a stunning categorization of the realm of stankassedness UNC's defense has fallen to in the year 2014?"

"That is correct."

ADVANTAGE: DUKE

DUKE, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

MASCOT

Duke:

Here's the thing - why does the Blue Devil wear a mask? If you're Satan, or at least one of his unholy minions, isn't it kind of pointless to try to disguise yourself? If the Blue Devil wants to rob a bank, nobody's gonna say, "Yeah, not really sure who the guy was. Had horns sticking out of his head and pointy ears and a goatee. But the mask really makes it hard for me to make a solid identification. Sorry, officer." And it's not as if getting caught by the police should matter. You're the DEVIL. Just Hell-magic your way out of the holding cell!

UNC:

Such a cute and cuddly animal, just like the kind you'd see at a petting zoo. A petting zoo where succession to the throne is achieved via head-butting patricide. Game of Thrones has nothing on the Wars of Rameses.

ADVANTAGE: UNC

UNC, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

AURA

Wallace Wade Stadium was built in 1929, the year of architect Frank Gehry's birth and the start of the Great Depression. These are relevant for two reasons. The first: Like Frank Gehry, most Duke fans have more money than you, and would rather be doing something else besides watching football. The second: Frank Gehry and Duke football have the same number of national championships in football.

There is a strange historical note to mention here: Wallace Wade Stadium is the only place outside of the Rose Bowl to host the Rose Bowl. In 1942, the game was held there between Duke (anyone could go to a Rose Bowl in the 1940s!) and Oregon State due to a ban on large public gatherings on the West Coast.  The fear: that the Japanese would target 90,000 people gathered in the same place. Despite the war ending, Duke Football has followed the order not to draw large crowds ever since.

All you need to know about Wallace Wade besides that: there are no backs on the seats, zero frills, and a maximum capacity of around 70%. Oh, and they lost that Rose Bowl, too, despite making Oregon State travel thousands of miles cross-country by train.

ADVANTAGE: UNC

UNC, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

NAMES

Duke:

Hud Mellencamp
A.J. Wolf
Bronson Bruneau
Takoby Cofield
Mackenzie Sovereign

UNC:

Norkeithus Otis
Mikey Bart
Allen Champagne
Bentley Spain
Jack Tabb

We can't do this. We can't pick one of these sets over the other. How are you gonna look Hud Mellencamp in the eye and tell him he's no Bentley Spain? Can you possible explain to Allen Champagne that he's not a match for Mackenzie Sovereign?

So, for the first time ever, we're opening this factor up to public vote in the poll below this post. You, the people, will decide which names win. We do not envy the decision before you.

GRUDGES/SCORES TO SETTLE/SHEER CUSSEDNESS

Since 1990, Duke has beaten UNC only three times. Outside of a horrendous defeat in 2003, the only beam of hope in all that football purgatory for Duke has come in the past two years with consecutive defeats of the Tarheels. That's gonna happen to you, Larry Fedora. You could have to walk in and answer the question, "Who was the last coach to lose two in a row TO FUCKIN' DUKE?" The answer is hilarious, because the answer is "Mack Brown."

Three in a row hasn't happened since 1955, when Duke was coached by...Bill Murray. WHAT CAN'T THE MAN DO?

ADVANTAGE: UNC

UNC, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

FINAL TOTAL: UNC 3 (OR 4), DUKE 1 (OR 2).

Ha! Your vote is meaningless to the final outcome. This is a lesson in the futility of civic participation. Thank you for playing.