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Sex and football are both games of two halves, and Steve Sarkisian doesn't believe in the female orgasm.

Makes sense that the Bear Raid starts shuttin down as we get closer to winter, though.

Thought I was watchin "My Girl" this weekend. Turns out it was "Cole Stoudt Against Georgia Tech."

Drop off something like that in the middle of the night and you should at least light a match, Todd Graham.

Minnesota's lucky. Normally a snow fight with a bunch of Ohio State guys ends in a DEA raid.

Eating ice cream in the snow is pretty intimidating, but if that Minnesota feller'd done it in a Saban mask Ohio State would have lost by 19 points and be looking for a new coach.

You let Melvin Gordon have a long par 4, Nebraska.

Need to hire Ed Orgeron to come up to Lincoln and put the "lack shirts" back in "Blackshirts."

James Franklin was so excited to get to six you'd think he was an Auburn math major.

I'm glad Virginia Tech's gonna make a bowl. Mall Santa Bud Foster only gives you burpees and summer sausage and buck knives without safety latches.

Marshall's won 10 games but won't play for anything meaningful in January, which is one hell of a Georgia impression.

Getting a million a year to put up six points per game in Atlanta makes Chad Morris an honorary Hawk. That ACL tear's scheduled for Wednesday against the Bucks, buddy.

Heck, Clemson, if you wanted to lose in every school in the state of Georgia, you shoulda just printed a chemistry textbook.

Tim Beckman guaranteed eight wins in 2015 if they kept the staff together. Don't know if you can find that many of 'em hanging around in the Penn State parking lot, but I wish 'em luck all the same.

Well, Dak Prescott, we shoulda figured a Mississippian going to Alabama would result in a bunch of terrible reading.

Call Miss State the ice cream truck because they ring bells and stop to make handouts every ninety yards or so.

Course, Nick Saban's gonna insist he just grayshirted Mississippi State.

Dan Mullen's ancestors must have flown over. It's just not in his DNA to beat the Tide even once.

Feel bad for Will, but Florida football scores have to look like a lot of Floridians: over fifty, lopsided, and covered in blood.

Right now they look like a lot of other Floridians: under 30 with terrible credit.

You gotta know your fanbase, which is why I make South Carolinians comfortable by doing what they do: going upstate to dump a body in a lake at least once every other year.

Might as well call us the asthmatic jogger, because we only needed two blocks to beat Florida.

Say what you will about Bo Pelini, he's an innovator. Never seen a defense line up in Tiananmen Square formation before.

That's what you get for running the Scantron defense against UNC, Pitt.

Not getting into Northwestern at the deadline? Well, Notre Dame grads should be used to that by now.

If Brian Kelly's gonna go for two when he only needs one, shouldn't he be coaching at BYU?

Is plagiarizing Tommy Rees' game a violation of the honor code at Notre Dame?

They say the key to charity is to give until it hurts, so I guess Notre Dame's offense is a 501(c)(3) now.

My wife said Kliff Kingsbury was handsome enough to leave her defenseless, and I said "Well, you and Texas Tech both, honey."

Don't know why that Georgia score surprised anyone. Auburn football's built around getting kicked out of Athens.

Wonder why they don't shoot more dirty movies in Boise. After watching Washington this year, it seems like everyone's dick looks bigger there.

Mike Stoops played at Iowa, so I see why he's gettin' extensions in years where he doesn't even make a bowl game.

I wouldn't huddle either if we had to talk about what y'all just did, Auburn.

David Shaw losing to Utah and Oregon? Well, that Michigan audition is coming right along.

Yeah, they don't always play real clean, but the Noles avoid the trials that matter.

Blowing that lead had to hurt. But if there's anything Miami locals can sympathize with, Al, it's getting something repossessed in public.

Good move by Florida State defense to mark the Canes as spam in the second half. Twitter's a pretty good nickelback in the right scheme.

Can't spell "no touchdowns in the second half" without the U.

Least Miami can screw things up for the rest of the country outside of a presidential election year.

Not even the homeliest Reno cocktail waitress has been shut out by Bret Bielema, LSU.

Just make sure you check The Boot with a blacklight if you win it back, Les Miles.

LSU is a bad dryer at a laundromat. You might can put as many in as you like, but you're never getting a quarterback.