Ohio State at Minnesota: Wayne Gretzky's Cabernet Franc Icewine. It's going to be freezing and if Minnesota loses it'll be time to focus on hockey anyways.
Pittsburgh at North Carolina: Mike Ditka's Pinot Grigio. Pitt's gentlest son produces what is no doubt a smooth and refined vintage. Surely it doesn't have broken bits of concrete in it. (Warning: product will make you grow bristly hair everywhere. Like, even inside your aorta.)
Clemson at Georgia Tech: Madonna's Tre Rossi. You choose the joke you prefer - the one where we use "Like A Virgin" to describe Tech fans or the one where Dabo sings "La Isla Bonita" in its entirety at a Sun Bowl karaoke event.
South Carolina at Florida: E-40's Red Blend. Because this game is gonna go DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB
Mississippi State at Alabama: Jim Nantz's Chardonnay. Jim appreciates three things: fine wine, a sound running game, and quietly remembering a time when geocentrism was the norm.
Nebraska at Wisconsin: Sam Neill's Pinot Noir. It's because Ameer Abdullah and Melvin Gordon are the velociraptors of college football. And also because Bo Pelini doesn't know how to open doors. Stop just kicking it and use the handle, dammit.
Utah at Stanford: Drew Bledsoe's Cabernet Sauvignon. A forgettable but decent Pac-12 alumnus for a forgettable but decent Pac-12 game.
Auburn at Georgia: Gérard Depardieu's Rosé. COURIR AVEC LE BALLON, BOBO.
Florida State at Miami: Dan Aykroyd's Shiraz. The only choice for poorly dressed conspiracy theorists. #TalkinBoutTheNoles
Michigan State at Maryland: Jeff Gordon's Merlot. Because whether you're a fan or a coach, this game ends with two grown men trying to beat the shit out of each other on the side of the road.
South Florida at SMU: Boz Scaggs's Montage. Do not watch this game. Just drink Boz Scaggs wine and listen to Boz Scaggs. You will be far happier with this choice.
Arizona State at Oregon State: Mick Fleetwood's Riesling. It's going to be a landslide, and also you should get some cocaine because this game doesn't start until 10:45 EST.