CAL IS THE GREATEST MEDIOCRE FOOTBALL TEAM OF OUR TIME
Cal cannot help but live the same nightmare over and over again: down huge early after USC threw to Nelson Agholor five hundred times, humiliated after a grandiosely inept fake punt, and then nearly redeemed by a 28 point comeback that, true to form, fell just short. We adore them and ask them to change nothing, ever, and are rooting for them to beat Stanford or BYU either way to get to bowl eligibility. (That punt happened, and they still nearly came back to win! This team is a Buster Keaton movie.)
TWIS. It's a bit late in the week for last week's angst unless that angst belongs to LSU fans divining the dark legislative secrets of the SEC. In that case, they are timeless because crazy, like amber and honey, never really lets anything rot.
TUBERVILLE STAY TUBERVILLE. You may not want to die, and you may not want to lose by a field goal to Tommy Tuberville, but this is life and you will have to do both eventually. The ECU Pirates last-second loss to the Bearcats may have also been affected by another factor, though.
Yes. His name is Gunner, and he thus must by rule own a pair of Zubaz, Munchie.
THEY REALLY HAVE A CHANCE! No really, they do, and where are you going don't you have faith in math--
RUN THE "DARN" BALL. If Miss State's going to beat Alabama, it needs to do what practically no one can do: run the ball on the Crimson Tide. When was the last time you really remember someone not named Johnny Manziel running well on Alabama. Marcus Lattimore in 2010? Even then, Lattimore only had 93 yards, because Alabama's been supernaturally good against the run, and yes Alabama is still the football opposite of hope.
ETC: There's only one wrench in the country that can attach nuclear warheads to missiles, because Thor has wrenches, too.